Sometimes, I just don’t want to deal with reality. I don’t want to face facts. I don’t want to face the truth of a matter. I just want to keep it down and carry on as usual. I want to be happy and come out of myself and help others. The problem is, that happiness wears off after a while. It doesn’t last a lifetime, it’s fleeting. I don’t want to be sad or angry. I don’t want to dwell on what I can’t change, but, just under the surface, I am ready to explode.
I want to curse, scream, cry, vomit and stomp. I want to destroy something, smash something into tiny indistinguishable bits. I want to know why, I want to know how, because therein lies my pain.
What I am running from is catching up to me and it’s making me angry. Lord, please just let me outrun it for a few more days, then I’ll deal with it… I don’t know how long I can keep running. I just don’t want to face this right now.
On Monday, I found that I was starting the process of miscarrying a child I didn’t yet realize I was carrying. What I thought was the start of a normal cycle began to change when I realized something was off and then, my body began to expel the remains of my unborn child.
So many thoughts run through my head that make me angry, unspoken thoughts, some of which, aren’t even my own. Thoughts of mainstream society, people closest to me and others who don’t know me very well at all. I can only pray no one utters those thoughts aloud. Lord, please seal their lips and block my gift so I don’t discern thoughts not uttered.
I don’t want to talk about it unless I bring it up, yet I *hate* the idea of people who know, pretending like it hasn’t happened and going on and on talking about their lives. We are missing somebody!! I just want to hide away in a hole somewhere and come out when all’s well again.
The shock is beginning to wear off. I don’t want to do this. Not now. I only hope it doesn’t go as badly as the last time.