Last year, at some point, my husband and I prayed about our fertility, our imaginary control over it, and gave it over to God. We like to say we trust God wholeheartedly, but most of us have areas where we shut Him out, thinking, “I got this area, Lord.”
Taking this new ground hasn’t been easy at all. On January 16th, I started the process of losing my 4th child in 5 months. Talk about warfare! This last time, I broke down and got angry- with God. Here I am, trying to trust Him and He allows this to happen? How? Why?
When I feel betrayed, I normally can’t speak to or even look at the offending party, and I erect a wall. I have done this with God at least two times before, after my grandfather died and again after my father died. I don’t like that I do this, I even told God this two days ago, but I still did it.
This time though, I kept right on talking to God and He to me. I even continued to minister to people prophetically through it all, strangers and family. I did all this while telling Him how upset I was with Him, and I, as before, erected a wall, albeit a flimsy one, made of paper this time. For a moment, I even began to question whether or not He loved me, wasn’t punishing me for something or perhaps this was some sort of “wilderness experience” He was allowing me to go through. Thankfully, I was able to recognize these as thoughts the enemy was trying to get in and not at all the truth. The enemy was doing His best to attack my very relationship with my Abba! I had a decision to make.
One thing that stunned me, stopped me in my tracks was how He responded to me as I cried out to Him and told Him that I was angry with Him and felt betrayed by Him. He simply said, “I’m sorry.” The God of the universe, who knows all things and will work this out for my good and others who I am now more equipped to minister to, told me He was sorry. Amazing…
I am trucking on with Him, I have no where else to go and don’t want to anyway. And, that paper wall I erected? I did a prophetic act… I took a sheet of paper, labeled it as the wall that I constructed against my Abba, saw Him behind it, waiting patiently, missing His full access to me… For a moment, I wondered why He didn’t just tear it down, it’s paper, He’s God. He reminded me that He hadn’t constructed it and He wouldn’t take it down, I had to. So, I tore that “wall” to shreds and threw it away. I love my Abba and trust Him completely. Now, I see Him clearly, there is no wall. He is smiling at me as He slowly opens His arms. I run into them and we embrace. I am home again. I am safe and so very loved.