You don’t have any idea how much you can endure in life or what you are capable of accomplishing when you have an intimate relationship with God. Like Graham Cooke said, we have grace available to us each day- grace to enjoy what is happening and grace to endure what is happening.
I have done things this weekend with such a strength that I *know* there is no way I can take even a gram of credit for it. I simply made a decision, and my Abba totally carried me, then, my family by blood and The Blood, my tribe, people I can’t imagine living without, came alongside Him and carried me too. I am broken and fulfilled. Heart broken but so happy. I cry the heart-wrenching tears of a mother of many but I belly laugh and mean it with all my heart.
I have lost yet another baby this weekend. It’s like I am filling Heaven with children. This weekend was the weekend of what has become a favorite for me- the prophetic retreat. I was charged with leading worship on Friday night with my oldest daughter and my spiritual father Russ. I was also given the opportunity to lead a workshop. Pastor Gary called me saying God showed him a vision of me leading a workshop on prophetic parenting. What was hilarious was that he also said that he had no idea what that entailed, lol, so it was like, “This is what God showed me. I have no insight for you on this. Are you in?” Without hesitation, I was so in. 🙂
I am growing to love these moments. When God nudges me to do something I don’t know how to do or can’t do in my own strength, I simply yield to Holy Spirit, trust and move forward and amazing things happen. After realizing I was losing my baby, I was of course told that I didn’t have to do anything I wasn’t able to do but with God to lean on, I did it!! Philippians 4:13 means more to me now than ever before.
I cannot cry and sing, but with God’s strength holding me up, I was able to move forward and worship Him in the midst of my pain, physically and emotionally. In the beginning, I simply swayed to the music to ease the lower back pain that comes with what I call the mini labor of miscarriage. As I sang to my Abba, I felt like I was caught up in a swirl of color and love. There was so much peace there. The pain of my mini labor vanished in that moment and it was just me and Him. Bliss.
Then, I was able to do it again the next day. We led worship and it was amazing. I was able to sing prophetically over everyone and although I have no idea what I said other than remembering singing the word “abide”, it is an amazing testament to what God can do when we simply yield to Him. He takes care of it all. In one moment, I sang strongly and prophetically over the crowd and in the next, I sat on Mama Robin’s lap, as she held me in her arms and I released what I hadn’t yet been able to. I cried and sobbed and was probably super loud but I did not and do not care. For me, this is huge. It was a breakthrough moment that was so important and necessary.
Then I went on to lead two workshops on prophetic parenting. That too was good. Again, something that I didn’t know how to do, was done beautifully, with God’s help.When we come to the end of ourselves, He is just getting started. Brokenness is a good place to be in with Him. A great place. It’s where the best yielding and trusting can take place. It’s the place of miracles. It’s where the supernatural abounds.
Then, the retreat was over. I purposefully left without saying goodbye to anyone as I knew I would breakdown and cry. I just lingered a bit and then left. We stopped at a store on the way home and while in line, I looked at a young mother and God began to speak to me about her. She was overwhelmed at times and not sure she was up to the task ahead of her. She was with her mother in law, infant son and husband. I looked for a way to speak with her privately and then laughed and said to my Abba, “Look at me, Abba. I’m still hesitating aren’t I?” He said nothing. I said, “Ok, I’m gonna do it, you know I will. I just don’t know how to do this. How do I do this?” He said, “You put one foot in front of the other…” I laughed out loud and did it.