Changing my hair has been a catalyst for some serious transformation and major insight in my life. I decided back in February, at the start of an extended vacation, that at the end of it, I’d start the process of loc’ing my hair (dreadlocks). I remember how I kept thinking and saying, “It’s time (for change).” I had no idea what I was in for.
It’s funny how something as seemingly simple as hair, can affect such major change in one’s life but it does (ask Sampson, lol), and with locs, I hear many, many people echo the same sentiments. Not to sound all exclusive, but starting this journey, I feel I have joined the ranks of a group of people who are in touch with themselves in a very different way. It’s a new level of inner knowing.
I think, in part, it has something to do with going off the beaten path, especially against others wishes, and coming out stronger than ever. I experienced this when I started unschooling my then, only child. I literally had the unflinching support and cheerleading of one person, my grandfather, and he passed a month before I officially took my daughter out of daycare 16 years ago, and began our journey. Setting off on a new and different path that I’d never seen modeled, changed my life in many extraordinary ways.
When I decided to embark upon my first birth without medication, I caught the same flack. When I decided to give birth at a freestanding birth center with a midwife for my second birth, then at home with a midwife for my third, I learned something about myself. I learned how very powerful and capable and strong my body is and I went on to give birth twice more, at home with no midwife, doctor or doula, just my body, baby and family present. My husband learned how capable and strong he is, as his hands were the very first to touch his sons as they were born. My children, all present at each other’s births, all learned how beautifully boring but also magically amazing birth can be; they aren’t afraid of it at all. Lol, people like to say, “Why give birth naturally, you don’t get a medal for it.” Those people have no idea what one gets from such a birth. No “medal” can compare. I got so much more. I gained something that no one could begin to try and take away. Even with having earned medals from running races, I am not certain where those medals are as I type this, what I gained from doing it is far more valuable to me than the “bling” I gained and still gain from running.
My hair looks wild right now. It looks rough and “unkempt” and unruly and not only do I wear it proudly and boldly, I absolutely, unequivocally love it. It mirrors the part of the journey I am on right now. Some days have been hard, filled with tears, anger, and even guilt and shame as God reminds me of things past. He is teaching me through so many entities, to face the ugly truth about things I was once confused or deceived about. He is walking me along a path that I must travel to subjectively realize complete healing, wholeness, and forgiveness. On the harder days this week and last, He gave me my beautiful friends, Evelin, Julissa and Lissandra whose support and love I can’t imagine doing without. He gave me frequent “kiss attacks” from my 4 year old son and the beautiful closeness that comes with breastfeeding my 1 year old. He gave me the beauty of having a cousin over for a few weeks and her laughter joined with my other children is so stinkin’ cute. He gave me my doting husband, who insisted on taking me on dates, surprised me with flowers and a massively loud dance party on a Tuesday night, starting after 11pm. He and our children danced, screamed and had a blast until we were all drenched in sweat. I would have called the police on us, lol, but Abba knew it was so needed, and no one did.
This journey I am on is very hard but I see so much beauty and freedom in it. I am choosing to flow with it unapologetically. In the past, I’d fought hard against it when the Lord was doing something new in me, for my growth. Not this time. I am done fighting against Him, I can’t win anyway, lol. I will flow with the unforced rhythms of grace and come out more glorious than ever. Many blessings to you, dear reader.