I have written several blog posts, only to put them aside. I am not sure what to share or how much to share these days. I understand all the reasons why I should be quiet right now and just deal in secrecy, but, what if keeping quiet is harmful? What about the opportunity to have my issues be a source of comfort, relief, validation or joy for others? What if my opening up could help more than my being quiet? My friend Juli recently told me that my super power is my transparency. I agree. I enjoy being honest and open. I love the idea that simply sharing my journey can help others in ways I haven’t considered.
I have been on yet another life altering journey of self discovery and healing. The Lord seems to be moving through all areas of my life, cleaning, pruning and making changes. It makes me think of a time when my oldest daughter unknowingly gave me a word from God.
We were in a prophecy 101 type of class, and had chosen one number from a cup, twice. The first number was to be our number, the second was the number of the person we would be prophesying over. When it was her turn, my daughter said something along the lines of, “I see a person being molded and shaped, like bread. They are very uncomfortable and want to fight against the molding taking place but God is saying to stop fighting against the molding and shaping, because it’s Him.” I could only smile in awe when she announced the number and it was mine. I haven’t forgotten that word she gave me. It is very true of the process I am in right now.
God has brought to light things that weren’t exactly done in the dark per se, but they were done in ways and at a time where the truth of it all escaped me because I was a child, conditioned to think and believe in very specific ways. I have learned that because of this, I am what the world of psychology calls, co-dependent. I have empathy for everyone except myself and tend to be overly concerned about caring for the needs and wishes of others, even to my own detriment. I have believed so much about myself and my personality that simply aren’t true. He is teaching me who I truly am and healing me of past wounds so that I don’t continue the cycle of abuse with my children or anyone else for that matter.
I am working through a lot of rage that I have carried since childhood. I used to fight, and when I did, it was pretty awful. Looking back, I am surprised that no adult picked up on the obvious rage in an otherwise mild mannered, kind hearted little girl. I am especially surprised this didn’t happen when I was suspended in 5th grade, for fighting after school, off school grounds. I will just say, that poor girl has evidence of that fight today and what I did to her wasn’t at all warranted. Let me explain…
As I walked home from school with friends, two of them suddenly began fighting. One friend, got in a good hit on the other and without thinking, something inside of me snapped, and I was suddenly fighting the first girl. I later went to her home and apologized to her and her mother. I didn’t know what happened or why I did what I did. I messed her face up badly enough that when we went to school the following day, teacher after teacher was outraged at the sight of her face and, learning I was at fault, I was sent to the principal, who, also outraged, suspended me for 10 days.
Every single fight I had, I remember one common theme. I would seem to leave my body, fight viciously, and suddenly come to myself, wondering how I got there. Sadly, there were several people who were left with permanent scars, all undeserved.
The Lord is helping me sort through all this and more, and it’s not fun or comfortable. It’s very hard, actually. I see and understand the reason for it all and am grateful, nonetheless. I know that, on the other side of this, I will be a better, stronger, truer version of myself. I will set boundaries and have consequences in place if those boundaries aren’t adhered to. I will no longer quietly assume any roles God Himself hasn’t designated for me to play. I am done with it all, and I feel more free having just stated that.
With love, Patrice