I am sleepy. I have been awake during hours I should have been sleeping. What started out as a typical trip to the bathroom, turned into my remembering more traumatic events from my childhood.
So many things come to mind.
I consider how easily and without any thought whatsoever, people get into destructive and dysfunctional roles and play them out, sometimes, for the rest of their lives, with little to no self awareness.
I consider all it takes for one person to stop the cycle of abuse that has been perpetuated in a family, in a most covert manner, for generations.
I consider who will be the ones trying to bring back the old order and way of doing things so that all is “back to normal again.”. Sometimes these people are intentionally sent, and sometimes, because they are uncomfortable, they just go of their own accord, all with the intent of “restoring” things.
I wonder how adult after adult, could be so dismissive, caught up in their own issues, to not see hurting children.
I consider and now see patterns in my own behavior and have a better understanding of myself, and why I did and do things in certain ways.
I am dissecting what people are really saying when their behavior, patterns and what they say aren’t aligned with one another.
I am questioning much of what I was taught as a child and believed most of my life, up until now.
I am uprooting lies I have been told and replacing them with Truth. Truth is a person named Jesus.
I am more mindfully parenting my children like never before.
I am learning to treat myself with love, compassion and care. I am angry at times that it isn’t easy at all.
I am paying attention to the knot that develops in my gut when I feel a boundary has been or is in danger of being trampled. I am gaining more self respect as I honor my feelings and observe my boundaries.
I feel I have an invisible, but very real muzzle on. I think it is coming off. I am exploring my feelings about this.