I think of random things. I remember a former friend projecting her words or feelings on me. We were in a disagreement and she said something about me saying I am grown. I hadn’t said that and certainly didn’t feel it.
Actually, I am just getting to a point where I feel like I am a grown woman. I was always responsible. Actually, I was taking responsibility for far more than was rightfully mine. I now understand that I am not responsible for so much of what I thought I should be responsible for, like another’s feelings, behavior, and needs. I thought I was here to take care of those things for others. I thought it was selfish to consider that perhaps I had needs and feelings that I should pay attention to. I thought I was here to make and keep others happy with me and somehow, magically, what I needed and wanted would be tended to.
What a load of crap, not to mention, impossible task, lol!
I can laugh today as I consider things several people, (most of whom are no longer in my life,) said to me, about me, all while very clearly exhibiting blaring examples of their feelings of jealousy and ill will towards me. Yet, I listened and took their “moral inventory” of me to heart.
Where I should have sang, or mentioned that I sing, I was quiet, for fear of being seen as a show off.
Where I should have danced freely and enjoyed myself, I sat, for fear of embarrassing myself because “I had no rhythm, just like my father.”
Where I should have enjoyed doing my 3 daughters hair, I didn’t and thought of it as a chore because, “I braided the wrong way.” I thought I’d make them look stupid.
Where I should have shared stories freely, taking my time, flowing where God led me, I didn’t, for fear of “not getting to the point fast enough.” I didn’t want to bore people.
Where I should have spoken up about my feelings, I shrank back, and criticized myself because my feelings were “wrong and I was being mean.” I was told I am too sensitive.
Where I should have shared my experiences, I kept quiet for fear of making some angry or uncomfortable. After all, I thought it was my responsibility to make and keep people happy with me. I thought I should tow the line, even if it was hurting me (and others).
I’m so happy God didn’t allow me to keep believing these things. I’m so glad He is showing me who’s who in my life, past and present. He’s showing me how to set boundaries and let that show me who’s who. Boundary setting seems to be a problem for toxic people. Today, that former friend would be right. I’m grown and I know it now. I understand more than ever before what and who I am responsible for and for that, I am grateful.