I’ve not written here in a while, and it’s not because I have nothing to say, I have lots to say; I simply don’t know where to begin at times. The topic on my mind at this moment has to do with self awareness.
I love that my relationship with God lends itself to me not being able to get away with being ignorant about who I really am and the role I play in different relationships.
I have given God a pass to show me myself, and help me to be the best Patrice I can be in this world. He has not let me down and it has not been easy at all to come face to face with myself. What I have and am learning has been nothing short of fascinating and amazing.
I am learning to process my anger very productively. Anger was one emotion among many that I was taught to stuff or shrug off because my mother was not comfortable or able to handle it. Now, I am able to process it and let it pass. I can look at what I am doing to hurt or betray myself and my findings are nothing short of amazing. I’m using this as fuel to help me change things so that I show up for myself and don’t continue to betray myself as I have in the past.
I don’t want to be more concerned about others than myself anymore. I don’t want to live my life, trying to please, or assuage another person’s feelings. That’s not my responsibility. I understand that now. I am responsible for my own feelings, that’s it, and it’s such a freeing thought.
At this time last year, I was literally shaken, terrified, confused and angry. I was enraged. I cannot say I am “all better” now, but I can say I am a lot better and getting better every day as I learn, or remember how to love myself and treat myself with compassion, kindness, respect and care.
Today, I am far more self aware than I was last year. It’s been a hard rode to travel. I have upset people. Some have expressed as much to me. Some probably won’t ever say a word, but I wouldn’t trade this journey for anyone or anything. I’ll make an effort to come and speak about things more often. For now, I bless you and pray all is well for you.