Life

Random Thoughts

~ Patrice A London ~ 1 Comment

I stopped doing birth work in big part, because I got tired of bearing witness to things that were wrong, dangerous, completely avoidable and traumatizing.

I began to say it was like going to watch an inevitable train wreck. Everyone could come out miraculously unscathed, dead, or something in between, and I witnessed every scenario.

I stopped doing the work I honestly loved, turned off the ringer on my phone and have left it on silent for years now.

I “lost” a “friend” who was accustomed to me being super available during my doula years. She didnt like that I was no longer so easy to reach all the time. I love and miss her but God has provided new friends.

Anyway, watching people today feels eerily like that of watching a train wreck in progress.

Only this time, while I still care and love, I am praying and fiercely guarding my peace. I’m not willing to just sit, worried, confused and hurt as I brace myself for impact of decisions I didn’t make. Decisions that weren’t up to me in the first place. We all have free will. I honor others’ right to exercise that and reap the consequences thereof.

A Time of Reckoning

~ Patrice A London ~ Leave a comment

The harder life gets, the more I press in. When I press in, I find peace, love, truth, gratitude, joy and more.

These past few years may have been designed to be destructive, but they have messed up and caused a massive amount of construction to take place.

Trying to move one out of the way, they have multiplied the same spirit and it’s all coming to a head.

Everyone does not fold in adversity. Everyone does not become paralyzed in fear and acquiesce.

As this beast of a girl, this giant bride that was once sleeping becomes fully awake, the now emboldened will run for cover like the little cretin’s they are, but where will they be able to run?

Fear? NOT!

~ Patrice A London ~ Leave a comment

Anyone who has read the Bible has no doubt, come across the many ways we are told to not fear. We read that we are to “fear not. Why are you afraid? God has not given you the spirit of fear… Do not be afraid. Cast your cares. Worry is sin. Trust. Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you where ever you go. Have I not commanded you?”

So many ways and times are we instructed against fear, and here we are, in a time where fear seems to be the new religion. It’s as if fear is the wolf, cloaked in sheep’s clothing. The clothing is currently being called “wisdom, care, love” among other names.

We have collectively come face to face with perhaps what is the most common fear of all- death. I am seeing death as more of a door these days. Of course, it’s sad and even traumatic for people left on the other side of that door, but the way I see it, I am either on this side with Jesus, or the other, with Jesus. It’s a win/WIN. I win here. There, I WIN! So there’s quite literally, no need to fear.

I remember telling my sister Sherri, before our sister Kerri passed away on my birthday in 2015, “The enemy is a fool. The enemy is threatening our sister with Heaven. Whooooo, you’re going to meet and live with your Lord forever more! You’re gonna see Him and Jesus face to face! You’re gonna see all the loved ones you have missed, children you didn’t get to carry and raise… Whoooooo”. How stupid is that? When I said it to Sherri, we even chuckled a bit at the sheer idiocy of it.

For Kerri, it was either that reality, or stay here on earth and be healed. Again… “Whooooo”. I mean, she was already here, struggling, but in faith for her healing. She inspired and encouraged many throughout her journey. She did well.

Of course, we miss her every day. She was the sister I was closest to at that time. I have now decided that I will be popping her on her butt when I see her for the sleep I missed when she died on my birthday. I was in shock and didn’t sleep at all. I didn’t believe she would die. She knows how I feel about my sleep. Anyway, my sister won and she won big. So did our oldest sister, our father and brother. They all won and are enjoying themselves as they pray for and join in watching us with the other cloud of witnesses.

This time of immense fear upon the earth has been a great teacher for me. At the beginning of covid, when I started to slip into the fear of the unknown, I heard Abba ask me what I was looking at. It was a stark reminder that once again, I’d taken my eyes completely off Him, to behold and dwell upon the plans of the enemy. “What you focus on is what will expand in your life” is a phrase I won’t soon forget that my former pastor, Dr. Mike Freeman says.

Listen… I seriously thank God that He speaks. I can’t even express how grateful I am to actually hear Him. To have Him interject a moment of despair. To have Him break right through, interrupting thoughts that are not of or from Him, in order to steer me back on the path He has set before me… HALLELUJAH!!!! There are no words…

Another thing that keeps coming to me is how many speak of losing consciousness before impact of some tremendous physical pain or trauma, especially prior to death or near death. Consider for a moment how people get into accidents of all kinds, saying all they recall are the moments before the thing occurred and then waking up in the hospital.

Even with my husband’s experience in May of 2019, he remembered that I took him to the hospital but was shocked to learn that upon waking up, he’d been unconscious for the better part of a week. He thought it was the same day and remembered nothing.

This all makes me think of how Jesus said he conquered death. Death is said to have no sting. Why then, do we not believe it when He said it and all the signs of just that are present?

God is bigger than it all and has conquered all for us. There’s nothing left out of all. We either believe Him or we don’t. The wonderful thing is, when we feel ourselves slipping in fear, He can help us come out of it. We aren’t stuck there. We are even commanded not to stay there. God gives us the grace we need to accomplish what He wants each day, one day at a time. We needn’t fear. God is bigger than it all.

London Family Update

~ Patrice A London ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a long while since I have written a blog post. I received a heartwarming email from a wonderful woman who reads my posts. She was reaching out to me because I’ve not posted in a while.

Each month, I write for a ministry page on Facebook called This Royal Life. I will share what I posted there on September 4th as an update.

Posted on September 4, 2021.

Two days ago, a tornado swept through our town and left us with no vehicles, a basement that was flooded with over 4 feet of water and flooding in our family room and garage.

As most who learn of this are devastated on our behalf, we ourselves are grateful.

We are grateful that not only did we not incur any further damage/loss, we are all fine. We have had a lot of loss recently, having 4 deaths occur in a 3 week time span and now this, but, I can say with absolute, unequivacable assurance, that God is so very good.

Living the royal life means that God makes all things work together for the good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. He makes all things new and restores. He gives to us extravagantly and loves us in just the right way, reaching us at the core of our being.

I know my house is an absolute wreck at the moment. But just a few minutes ago, as I stared at my filthy, now empty family room, He gave me ideas on what it could soon look like. He helped me to see beyond what is, and dream. He gave me an inexplicable hope right as my basement began to have a waterfall down the stairway. The hope remained and grew stronger as we could no longer see even the first stair going down into the basement and the family room began to flood upwards of a foot of water.

He did this for not just me, but my entire household, right as it was happening. As the family room flooded, my son said, in a shaky voice, that all the water would leave the next day and the sun would shine. It did exactly that.

I see the destruction. I see the loss. I can’t begin to tell you all that has been destroyed. But, I know that God is up to something, and I can’t wait to experience it.

This is living royally. Trusting God beyond what we can see or understand, and resting, right in that space. My heart is full. I am in Love. Sending you love too.

A friend of mine started a Go Fund Me for my family. If you would like to contribute or share the link, you can do so with this.

We are also able to receive financial assistance through this cash app handle $PatriceLondon or Paypal

Prayers are greatly appreciated. ❤

The Tether

~ Patrice A London ~ 2 Comments

My oldest (girl) is 23 today. As I type, she is on her way to her latest adventure out west. Yesterday, we surprised her with an ice cream cake a day early, and sang to her. I can’t help but smile as I think of her. I remember, before she got her current job, I saw and told her that she would be able to work remotely from where ever she chose. She has been living that out since 2020 and has some absolutely fantastic experiences in 3 different states “under her belt”. She is truly living and thriving.

A few weeks ago, I told her a heartwarming story…

“After you were born, we were tethered to each other still, as in the womb. This tether is invisible but very much present and strong.

As you grew and needed me less and less, the tether elongated bit by bit. This tether, from my heart to yours, will always remain, forever. It will never be severed. If/when you need or just want me, give that tether a little tug and I will be there.”

This morning, as her dad was about to take her to the airport, I said, “Don’t forget the tether.” Literally, the only issue I have had with her is that she can be forgetful. That’s it. No attitude, no behavioral issues, nothing.

This heifer said, “I don’t know what you mean.” She totally ruined it, lol!

She is the first of five I have earth side. Being a mother is and has always been one of my favorite things about life.

Conversation With Grief

~ Patrice A London ~ Leave a comment

Emotions… Ugh. They can be hard and tricky at times. For as long as I can remember, I was groomed to shrug off the “negative” ones. They were seen as bad and unnecessary. They were also seemingly annoying and a huge bother to some, so I worked hard to stuff them and move on.

I have since changed dramatically. I now see emotions as tools, friends even, who come to visit, stay for a while and leave. They come to teach, hone, heal, bring pleasure and more. They aren’t necessarily good or bad, it just depends. I have learned to welcome them as friends and learn the lessons they come to teach me.

Now, I know there are people who are emotionally imbalanced. Some ruminate themselves into worse situations and inflate already horrible circumstances. Some create their own turmoil, completely unbeknownst to them.

I’m not talking about this type of person. I am thinking of one who has done inner work with God’s help, has a high level of (self) awareness and an understanding of who they are and how God created them. I’m talking about a relatively healthy individual, who is learning to process emotions in a healthy way and rid themselves of maladaptive patterns that helped them survive one point in their lives, but these patterns no longer serve them in any (good) way. I am referring to a person who is looking to change, grow and learn. I am talking about a person, much like myself. 🙂

I live in such a way that my mind is never too far from thinking about and/or talking to Holy Spirit. After a Zoom chat, I realized I began to experience grief. In lieu of being busy in order to ignore the uncomfortable feelings I was experiencing, I asked Holy Spirit how I should go about “welcoming Grief” as a friend this time around. Holy Spirit simply said, “Have a conversation with her.”

So, I did it. I got out my journal and wrote out the conversation as it unfolded. I hadn’t planned to share this with you but believe it is a good idea to do so. You know how it is, some things just feel private, sensitive and even silly.

So, with that, here’s my conversation with grief. I hope this blesses you,

With so much love, Patrice

A knock sounds at the door. I go to see who it is and come face to face with Grief. She’s back. Again.

Grief: Hello Patrice, can I come in and visit with you for a while?

Me- (Recognition, realization and acceptance dawning on my face all at once) Yes. Hello, Grief, please, come in. I suppose I’ll make us some tea.

Grief- Thank you for welcoming me in. I know I’m not your favorite guest.

Me- No, but I know you are sent when appropriate.

Grief- That’s right. You’ve come a long way. No, don’t try and mask that, “Then why are you here?” look. Let’s talk about it.

Me: You’re right. I am done with masks. So… I do understand you to be healthy for me. It’s just always painful when you arrive.

Grief: (Comes over to my seat, pulls out a set of chiseling tools and gets right to work.)

Me: Ow!! Why does this always have to hurt so much? Why now? Why can’t you just let me be happy?!

Grief: (Keeps chiseling) Happiness will return. Right now, you need me. I’m not here to hurt you. I am here to help you. See, you’d just as soon wear that filthy mask and slam the door in my face every time I come for a visit, and in doing so, you keep away not just me, but true happiness, freedom and love. Plus, you unintentionally invite others you’d enjoy far less than me, like disease and despair for instance.

Me: Ok, I get that. It’s just not fun when you come to visit.

Grief: I know Honey, but when you make room for me, I work very efficiently and leave you more beautifully healed than before. I won’t over stay my welcome and if you allow me to do what I came to do, I won’t call on Depression to join us. You know Depression doesn’t mind hanging about.

Me: Yes. I know… Grief?

Grief: Yes, Dear… (keeps chiseling different areas)

Me: Thank you. I know I don’t give you the easiest time of working with me, but I appreciate what you do for me. I know I need these visits.

Grief: It’s my pleasure to see you better off as I leave, than when I arrive, Dear. Almost done for this visit, ok?

Me: Ok

Grief: There. All done for now. (packs up and heads to the door)

We walk to the door together wordlessly, as words would simply add unnecessary clutter. At the door, I look up at her. She really is a dear friend to me . She stares back at me lovingly, unflinchingly, and slowly lowers her head until our foreheads touch. We both close our eyes as tears roll down my cheeks, and suddenly, she’s gone.

Me: See you later dear friend.

God Wins

~ Patrice A London ~ Leave a comment

Man… We all have our assignments, don’t we? Love is a big part of my assignment. I am to be a safe haven for people. I have the ability to speak plainly and lovingly at the same time. I don’t mince words or sugarcoat, but I am not brutal and cutting in my delivery. My stature and disposition are such that I tend to be accepted by most. I can talk to just about anyone and get on just fine. Although I am a Christian, I am able to be an open, loving and safe person for literally anyone to come to for prayer, no matter what faith or lack thereof, they possess. I have people who are atheists, agnostic, witches and more, all of whom I love dearly, come to me for prayer, knowing full well it’s Jesus all day over here. I seem to get passes in places and spaces and hearts where others are irrevocably shut out, and God has blessed me to be able to do it while not compromising who I am at all, not even one iota. I love it. Well, I mostly love it.

Sometimes, I want to fly off the handle a bit. Sometimes, I want to just brutally state things that I know are true, but that is not my assignment. I seem to be a go between of sorts for people on their way to the Father who would never go to some others I know. I wish I could be as snarky as I feel in some moments, but I know that would destroy things in ways that frankly, I’m not willing to. My ability to be loving has to override my need to be right. It’s sometimes a difficult place to be in but God is faithful. He gives me words and more love than enough and even safe people of my own to rant and vent to when I have let Him have an earful.

I wrote another (probably cryptic) post on my Facebook wall today. It’s interesting- I’ve been doing it for a while now and while I can clearly see where some people’s hearts are, they don’t at all realize where they are in the moment.

There are things that are about to take place and I am praying. My latest post is as follows:

“I know I keep saying this, but I will be praying. Lotta hurt coming for some. Some will enjoy and have their popcorn and cake, while others will be scared, angry, confused and utterly shocked. For those who will find themselves in the latter group, I will be praying for you and sending you love. All will be OK even though it won’t feel that way.”

Inevitably, some who I know (in my heart) will fall into that latter, hurting group, show they don’t have any idea, nothing in them is stirred to see what’s right before us. It is for them I pray most, as it seems they will be the most hurt. What seems so obvious to some, just isn’t for others. It doesn’t make one better though. We can and have all been deceived at times.

Another post I wrote was about a brother who asked God why others didn’t see what to him is completely obvious. God told him that those who love the truth, see. How sad. Even more than ever, I believe 2020 was about exposure and clarity of vision. Either way, I will celebrate as God has placed in my heart some serious celebratory vibes, lol. And, I will also be praying for those who won’t enjoy the plot twist that is to come. It really is a great thing for us all. Simply because God wins.

Loving On My Abba

~ Patrice A London ~ Leave a comment

God is amazing. I am in such awe of Him. I love how He moves, blesses and protects us. I love how He uses any and everything to reach us, change us and elevate us. I love how merciful and gracious He is, how He cares about every little detail. I see how He plays with me and helps me practice hearing Him. Just the other day, as we looked for something we didn’t even end up needing, I closed my eyes and saw what looked like a picture of what we were looking for. I went to that location and found it there. I feel that was God practicing with me. Every interaction isn’t as obvious as neon lights, screaming a message. Sometimes, actually, a lot of the time for me, He speaks calmly, quietly, almost imperceptibly. I hear Him this way often. I wonder how many times I miss Him.

I love how good He was to me and my family in 2020, when so many collectively complained about the year. It was an amazing year in so many ways. I am now seeing that the last few years, while incredibly difficult and painful, were also not just great years, but pivotal years for me. I needed to deal with and go through it to come out the way God intended. I love how He is teaching me to look to Him and trust Him in deeper ways. I am far less concerned about how I am perceived by others now. I feel like a new person and at the same time, more of who I really am. I am ok with others’ disappointment. I’m ok that I won’t always be understood or accepted. I don’t need to break things down to people so that I am vindicated or justified in their eyes. It doesn’t matter. God has me covered. I am not so easily swayed or manipulated any longer. I have a much better understanding of where others end and I begin and I’m not confused about how, when and where to draw definitive lines. I’m no longer banging my head against a wall, trying to understand, make sense of, or participate in toxicity and chaos. I am free and at peace.

If there’s joy to be found, God will help me find it. We have fun with that. If there’s a reason to laugh, tickled, I will be. If there’s something to be done by me, I will do it. If I need to pull back and have a seat, I will do that too. I aim to keep my head to the chest of my sweet Abba. I aim to be ever aware of His rhythm and flow along, because with Him, I am safe. His love knows no bounds. How utterly beautiful He is.

I’m A Little Teacup (Apparently)

~ Patrice A London ~ Leave a comment

All my life, I have had what I now recognize as a prophetic gift. I would inexplicably know, hear or sense things. There weren’t many people I could openly talk to about any of it but it was there, showing up at various times in my life, over and over again. Sometimes, I’d blurt something out, other times, I’d just know. There were even times, I acted on what I knew and all would work out beautifully.

I don’t believe my gift is just for me, but I now see that it is not just for others either. I enjoy ministering prophetically, and I do so, not just in “appropriate”, church related areas and events, but wherever I am, whenever I feel I should. I feel compelled to do what God leads me to do, even if others don’t like it or agree. I just do, and I don’t apologize for that.

God gives us what we need as we are able to handle it. He is so good, He wouldn’t give us something good that we couldn’t handle, only to have it crush us. I got pretty good at ministering prophetically to others, it would get especially interesting and fun when I’d be paired with my oldest daughter. We have a sort of “Wonder Twin Power Activate!” kind of thing when paired together. We often see parts of the exact same message God has for people we minister to, and have been known to give really nice, more full pictures of things for people. It’s nice.

After some years of ministering to others, a group of friends and I began to focus on hearing God for ourselves more. We all agreed that hearing for others felt better, more accurate. When hearing something for ourselves, it got tricky. So many questions come to mind. Am I making it up? Is this me just telling myself what I want to hear, or is this really God? Lord, can you give me confirmation through something or someone else? Am I hearing you right? Can I trust that I am hearing from you, but for me this time?

I (low key) enjoy challenges, so along with my friends, I began a journey of getting to a point where I am more confident in hearing God for myself. I’m still on this journey and others, of course, but I am definitely not where I was and I believe it was all a massive set up, by God.

He began to tell me things for and about myself. He’d then confirm them in many ways, oftentimes, before I would think to ask for any confirmation. Without going into a long story, He has walked me through some unimaginable stuff, telling me exactly how to do it- and it didn’t always make even a little bit of natural sense- but it has been nothing short of glorious. The faith that I have in Him has grown exponentially. I’m pretty buff in the spirit, hahaha! With Him and because of Him, I am able to walk pathways not many can walk, and I am able to do it with my joy, peace and strength in tact. Perhaps these are stories I will tell someday. For now, let’s just say, I am one who looks nothing like all I’ve been through. When some hear my stories, they are shocked because again, you’d never know if I didn’t say anything. That’s how gracious God is though.

As long as I live, I will do what He wants me to do and say what He wants me to say to others. Right now, I’m just grateful that it isn’t just for others. It’s for me too.

I’ll end with a vision God showed me a few days ago. I eagerly sent a message to my Gary about it the next morning. He interprets dreams and visions… Here’s what I wrote:

“Good morning beloved Dad! I had a vision as I went to bed last night. I saw a white teacup. It was tilted over to pour and what was pouring out was crystal clear rivers of waters. It was an impossible amount pouring out of this small teacup, but it poured continuously and vigorously. Basically, a river pouring from a little white teacup, hahaha!”

Lol, I can still see the teacup. That water was not slowing or stopping. It was gushing forth with no end in sight.

Do you know what my dad said? His reply was simple. He said, “The teacup is you.” How sweet is God?!

A Daddy’s Girl

~ Patrice A London ~ 4 Comments

I’ve always wanted to be a Daddy’s Girl. I am my mother’s only child and the last of 6 for my father, so the role doesn’t seem at all far fetched, right?

I imagine being a little girl with my father, doted on, having my childish antics laughed at. I imagine being read to, played with, carried off to bed, being pushed on a swing- all the normal things that should come with childhood.

Instead, I got a lot of confusion and missed opportunities with my father. See, I was told that he (nor anyone) wanted me. My childish response to this was to not only believe it, but I considered myself a huge problem that could be discarded at any given moment if I didn’t do things just right. I did my best to behave in such a way that I was perfect and above reproach. I wasn’t of course, but I tried like my life depended on it, because surely, it felt like it did.

Looking at it as an adult with children of my own, it’s all just sad. I had room enough in my heart for everyone. Being selfish and playing “keep away” with me as the pawn was not at all necessary. I had/have enough room for both of my parents, I love them both dearly, even now, but we have all missed out on what could have been. That’s pitiful.

Another thing that bothers me that I am ready to admit is my feelings about my hometown. I was born and raised in Washington, DC, yet I feel so estranged and disconnected from the place. So much betrayal occurred there that has been exposed more and more over the last few years, I just don’t feel the love. It’s odd because the actual city did nothing, but the memories attached to it are there, hence the connection, or rather, disconnection. I want to have the love for my city that I see in so many friends who are still there. I want to be able to visit with no panic attacks, no anxiety that comes on intensely and suddenly at some weird moment when I’m not even thinking about anything. I want to just breathe it all in- it is a beautiful place- and feel I am home, a home where I want to be, a home where I am welcomed with genuine, unconditional love (not pretend “love”, I know the difference.).

As my father lay dying on October 31, 2009, I sang to him, talked to him, rubbed his face, feet and hair. I kissed him on the cheek and laughed because it was the first time I ever remember doing that. My sisters and I have all, and always kissed our father on the lips. I told him I was sorry we didn’t have a good relationship while he was here but we’d have all of eternity to get it right on the other side. I left his side moments before he slipped away and miss him dearly even now. I grieve what could and should have been and am grateful for what little I had with him. Much of what confused me about him doesn’t any longer, as I have been given a gift.

Three of my 5 siblings also died, but the 2 I have left are very much in my life. In fact, although my oldest (living) sister and I didn’t have much of a relationship growing up, we are now “as thick as thieves”. My sister has put into place many pieces of a puzzle I once saw as utter confusion and very painful. So much makes sense now. Much of it is heartbreaking and sad, but not all. Some of it is heartwarming.

You see, my father did want me. He loved and adored me. All the times he declared his love for me in person and in letters was the truth. I didn’t believe him because I was conditioned to believe otherwise, but it was true. All the friends and coworkers going on and on about how he went on and on about me to anyone who would listen, it was all true and all stemmed from the love of a father for his babygirl. My sister laughed and said, “Girl! He worshiped the ground you walked on! He even went on and on to the rest of us about you and what’s interesting is that we all felt the same. We all loved you and wanted you around more. No one was jealous at all. You were the baby, doing amazing things and we loved you.”

The coolest part of this is that God has gifted me in such a way that I see memories flash by, like a movie of collective memories and moments, all confirming what my sister has shared with me. It’s amazing, especially considering my father is gone and I can’t speak with him or my other siblings now.

So after all this time of thinking no one really wanted me for much beyond what I could do for them, it’s an enormous load off to know it was never true. I am and have always been loved and wanted. I pray you see that you are too. Signed, A bona fide Daddy’s Girl.