Top 11 Ways to Have An Unnecesarean

Just itching to have that totally unnecessary cesarean?  Here are some tips to help you get there! Here’s my version of some of the top ways to have an unnecessary cesarean.

11. Pick a caregiver, any caregiver! Better yet, choose a “lottery” practice where you get lots  of different providers.  That way when you go into labor, you won’t have a clue who’ll attend you thus increasing your chances of having one who couldn’t care less about what you thought you wanted for your birth.  If you’re lucky, you’ll get one with very high epidural, episiotomy and cesarean rates.  Cross your fingers!

10. Only take hospital sponsored childbirth classes! If you must take a class, go with the one the hospital provides.  That way you’ll learn how to be a good patient and take what they give ya with a smile- after all, “you don’t know nothin’ bout birthin’ no baby!”

9. Stay away from doulas!! Hiring a doula can totally screw up your chances of getting that unnecesarean.   You may end up with a shorter labor and  mess around and have a completely unmedicated vaginal birth.  You’ve been warned!!!

8. Agree to an induction! Don’t even ask if it’s medically necessary-  it doesn’t matter. Lots of people like things a little “undercooked” right?  Plus, your family members can’t wait to meet this new little one!  Don’t deprive them of another day without that sweet wittle schnukums!

7. Go to the hospital as soon as you think labor has begun! Think your water has broken?  Felt a small uncomfortable tinge in your lower back?  Freak out and run, to the hospital!  That way they can get a definite and  early start on the cascade of interventions that are almost guaranteed to get you a ticket on the cesarean express!  All aboard!

6. Say yes to Pitocin! Who ever figured out that this medication originally made for stomach ulcers would induce contractions in pregnant women is a genius!  Not only does it make contractions stronger and longer, your body’s ability to produce oxytocin (which also provides endorphin-like relief along with contractions) is totally inhibited and you’ll be crawling the walls in no time (if you can find the strength).  You’ll hurt so bad you’ll beg for an epidural and be that much closer to getting that unnecesarean!

5. Get an epidural! This is as important as getting pitocin.  You want to be completely immobilized so that labor can have a chance at stalling. If this doesn’t work perhaps it can help you when it’s time to push.  Everyone will scream, “Push!” because it’s “time” and you may not be able to cause you can’t feel a thing!

4. Get an amniotomy as soon as possible! What better way to be whisked away for that cesarean!  The possibility of cord prolapse is increased and the dr can then “save” the baby and be a hero!

3. Don’t eat or drink during labor. Why nourish your body at a time like this? Nah! Starve yourself and the baby, that way you’ll tire quickly and easily.  Remember the goal!

2. Accept a “failure to progress” diagnosis! Now come on, have a heart!  Your provider needs to go home for dinner with friends and family.  He/she shouldn’t have to wait until you finally decide to actually have this baby on your own.  Really, that could take a long time!

1. Just ask! Don’t beat around the bush, just ask for one. You’ll be happy to know that a lot of doctors will happily make your wishes come true!

Disclaimer: One can pretty much come to the conclusion that I’m being completely and thoroughly sarcastic and don’t at all believe any of the above is the best way to safely give birth.  Epidurals and episiotomies have their place but when used routinely, disastrous results can occur.

Please people, inform yourselves.  Arm yourselves with knowledge!

Perceptions of Birth II

I wasn’t able to do this last week as we were preparing for my book signing in DC- which was wonderful by the way.

So here’s part 2 to Perceptions of Birth.

Here are the results of the poll:

75% replied, ” I can do this! (even though I’m a little scared)”.

12.5% replied, “Scared Stiff!”.

And the last 12.5% replied, “(Smile) Beautiful! “.

While birth is hands down an amazingly beautiful thing, it can be scary as well.  I remember feeling afraid as I neared the end of each pregnancy. I’d be excited and happy, ready to meet this new individual and then the reality that the baby had to come out of my body would hit me like a ton of bricks.

This fear is very common.  So what do you do with it?

I suggest speaking with a person who knows a thing or two about birth- not someone well versed in crises but normal birth.  Someone who has done it before and had success.  A doula is another great option.

There’s no reason to allow that fear to grip you and cause you to doubt your body works.  Our bodies are amazing.  We have yet to understand all the intricacies involved in our everyday functions.  We do so much without even thinking of what can go wrong- birth doesn’t have to be any different. 

Think about it.  Do you have doctors and loved ones standing by ready to take action just in case you have a heart attack?  It could happen depending on your lifestyle but you’re probably not sitting around expecting that it will happen.  Why isn’t it the same with birth?  Why do we automatically focus on what could go wrong?

 Going to the bathroom, do you have a team on call just in case something goes wrong?  Nope.  It’s a completely natural physiological process and while something could go wrong, again, you’re not consumed with that possibility.  The reason is,  you know that your body works and you trust that it’ll be fine.  So, with a body that does everything else correctly, why is it that when birth is in the picture our bodies suddenly seem so deficient?  I believe it comes from many different places.  The media is horrible in how it portrays birth.  Then there’s family and friends with their horror stories.  And, all too often, our care providers can scare us with all the testing for problems.  Obstetricians are trained to deal with the problems that arise, a lot of them know very little about the normal (mostly boring and uneventful) side of birth.  They are looking for the problems that can arise and you can get caught up in the mix of it all.

My suggestion to you is to find out what your perceptions of birth are and where they come from.  Are they rational?  Are they even yours or have they been passed on to you by others?  What kind of tales do you pass on to others regarding birth, without even thinking about it?  It’s something worth considering.

Have a great week!

Perceptions of Birth

When you think of birth, what comes to mind?  Do you think happy thoughts?  Or are your thoughts closer to the anxious side of the spectrum?  Do you know where these thoughts came from?  Are they yours because of an experience or perhaps something you’ve heard or seen -be it on television or in person?  Next week, we’ll explore your thoughts a little deeper.  Happy Polling!