Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

At the time of my writing/typing this, I have no physical voice. After not having allergy issues for probably 10 years, I have been slammed, hard, this year. I am aware that because of the nature of the journey I am on, I am not functioning in an optimal manner.

In my videos I talk about being tired, having flashbacks, nightmares and more. It’s all par for the course with regards to the journey of recovery I am on.

Things that have not bothered me for a long while (like allergies) or have never bothered me, have started to. I am now asking myself how much of this is ok… How much am I willing to allow? I know all too well what it is to have a voice but not use it for fear of angering others. Having overcome that fear, I have to look at what I can do.

I am doing what I know to do. I am praying and using various herbs to help me through this time of resting my voice and body. Also, in the meantime, just in case the enemy wants to gloat at my voice being lost, I write to remind him that I still have a voice, and I will use it.

I was hoarse beforehand, but I likely pushed too far when I sang at the prophetic retreat and lead a workshop. Not too long afterwards, my voice had enough of my pushing and vacated the premises. Today is day 5 of no voice and I am not digging it at all. Because I am classically trained, I understand very well what I did and why this has happened but it didn’t stop me from shedding tears a few times when I tried and failed to call my daughter’s name, tried to scream and tried to make a noise I make with my 2 year old son when I touch his little nose.

My voice is coming back little by little each day. Every day I am declaring over my voice, prophesying over myself. My voice will return different. It will be stronger than ever before- more resolute. I speak supernatural strength and health over my vocal cords. I will do with these vocal cords, what God wills, and there’s not a demon in Hell that can stop me because greater is He who is in me than our already defeated foe.

I will sing, speak, and I will write, all for the glory of my dear Abba. I will not go gentle into that good night as Thomas Dylan’s poem says. I will boldly fight for what’s mine.

No More Cryptic Messages

So, we don’t do church traditionally, but for clarity, I will refer to a certain group as my church family, even though it sounds stupid, lol. I just love them and I know more than ever, they love me right back, unconditionally so.

Throughout this entire journey of healing from past wounds, they have supported me, every step of the way, in just the manner I needed. There are far too many to name so I won’t go there, but it amazes me that they have so graciously allowed me whatever I needed, as I needed, even when it wasn’t comfortable for them. This kind of love isn’t what I was accustomed to.

I now see, with greater clarity that love isn’t a thing of diametrical opposition. Words and deeds line up. They match. There’s no conflict between the two. There’s no pressure to do what someone else thinks is best. Love is freeing. It’s letting go. It’s allowing people to be where they are, and accepting them fully, as they are, right now. It is not trying to mold them into what or who we think they should be or trying to control them through tactics that are simply mean spirited and divisive.

Love connects, redeems, forgives, apologizes sincerely. Love is when one changes awful, unacceptable behavior when confronted with it. Love is honest and other centered, not self centered.

I am convinced that freedom here on Earth grows as our minds are renewed to the Truth. The truth is, we are free. Jesus paid it all. I have pressed through fears that felt insurmountable but after moving forward, even in fear, those fears vanished.

One such fear came about in doing what God was asking of me several months ago. He has kept me up many nights, giving me ideas on exactly how to go about openly sharing my recovery journey through my YouTube channel. I was afraid to do it and doubted I was hearing from Him correctly. Of course, He was patient with me and sent confirmation after confirmation so, I uploaded my first video a week ago.

The fear was almost paralyzing, but I did it. I thought for sure, I would not be sleeping at night for quite a while. I thought my blood pressure would land me into the hospital, but as God would have it, I have slept better than before and when I went to the doctor last week, my blood pressure was 118/80. It was previously 153/94. I was stressed.

If you want to go along this journey with me, I invite you to visit my YouTube Channel, there, you can see the videos I have uploaded so far, and if you care to keep up, you can subscribe and hit the notification bell to be notified when I upload new videos. As always, I send you so much love, Dear Reader.

Patrice

I’ve Not Disappeared, Well Maybe I Have

It’s been a very long time since I’ve written anything.  I’m writing now to simply say that I don’t really know what to say besides saying that I am on a very hard journey to healing childhood wounds.

I implore you, if you have any of your own, seek help.  It is unreasonable to think you can just go on and not pass on some or a lot of your own pain to someone you care for. Something I saw on Facebook from Christine Caine said it best, “If you never heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” This makes me angry, actually.  I find it difficult to fathom being so unaware of oneself, that one leaves a path of destruction in their wake, completely and utterly oblivious.  I especially have a hard time when it’s children who catch the brunt of that destruction.  It isn’t fair.  I am intent on ending abusive cycles.  The buck stops here.  What I find even more disturbing is the covert nature of it.  When it comes to people, I have an easier time taking those blatant, in your face types.  Covert behavior bugs me because there’s such an insidious nature to it. It’s so ugly and despicable. Also, when one displays covert tendencies, it makes me feel that they have more control than they’re willing to admit, being able to behave one way here and another way there.  I don’t handle that well.

So, I pray you are well while I’m going through all the emotions and what comes with healing.  It’s hard, but it’s great and so very necessary.  I am already a very different, healthier, more alert me than ever before. I am happier too, actually.  As I said, it’s difficult at times, but this is a good thing.  God is with me and I know it.  He started me on this journey, after all.  I will aim to write again soon.  With love, Patrice.

To Share, Or Not

I have written several blog posts, only to put them aside.  I am not sure what to share or how much to share these days.  I understand all the reasons why I should be quiet right now and just deal in secrecy, but, what if keeping quiet is harmful?  What about the opportunity to have my issues be a source of comfort, relief, validation or joy for others?  What if my opening up could help more than my being quiet? My friend Juli recently told me that my super power is my transparency.  I agree.  I enjoy being honest and open.  I love the idea that simply sharing my journey can help others in ways I haven’t considered.

I have been on yet another life altering journey of self discovery and healing.  The Lord seems to be moving through all areas of my life, cleaning, pruning and making changes.  It makes me think of a time when my oldest daughter unknowingly gave me a word from God.

We were in a prophecy 101 type of class, and had chosen one number from a cup, twice.  The first number was to be our number, the second was the number of the person we would be prophesying over.  When it was her turn, my daughter said something along the lines of, “I see a person being molded and shaped, like bread.  They are very uncomfortable and want to fight against the molding taking place but God is saying to stop fighting against the molding and shaping, because it’s Him.”  I could only smile in awe when she announced the number and it was mine.  I haven’t forgotten that word she gave me.  It is very true of the process I am in right now.

God has brought to light things that weren’t exactly done in the dark per se, but they were done in ways and at a time where the truth of it all escaped me because I was a child, conditioned to think and believe in very specific ways.  I have learned that because of this, I am what the world of psychology calls, co-dependent.  I have empathy for everyone except myself and tend to be overly concerned about caring for the needs and wishes of others, even to my own detriment.  I have believed so much about myself and my personality that simply aren’t true.  He is teaching me who I truly am and healing me of past wounds so that I don’t continue the cycle of abuse with my children or anyone else for that matter.

I am working through a lot of rage that I have carried since childhood.  I used to fight, and when I did, it was pretty awful.  Looking back, I am surprised that no adult picked up on the obvious rage in an otherwise mild mannered, kind hearted little girl.  I am especially surprised this didn’t happen when I was suspended in 5th grade, for fighting after school, off school grounds.  I will just say, that poor girl has evidence of that fight today and what I did to her wasn’t at all warranted.  Let me explain…

As I walked home from school with friends, two of them suddenly began fighting.  One friend, got in a good hit on the other and without thinking, something inside of me snapped, and I was suddenly fighting the first girl.  I later went to her home and apologized to her and her mother.  I didn’t know what happened or why I did what I did. I messed her face up badly enough that when we went to school the following day, teacher after teacher was outraged at the sight of her face and, learning I was at fault, I was sent to the principal, who, also outraged, suspended me for 10 days.

Every single fight I had, I remember one common theme.  I would seem to leave my body, fight viciously, and suddenly come to myself, wondering how I got there.  Sadly, there were several people who were left with permanent scars, all undeserved.

The Lord is helping me sort through all this and more, and it’s not fun or comfortable. It’s very hard, actually. I see and understand the reason for it all and am grateful, nonetheless.  I know that, on the other side of this, I will be a better, stronger, truer version of myself. I will set boundaries and have consequences in place if those boundaries aren’t adhered to.  I will no longer quietly assume any roles  God Himself hasn’t designated for me to play.  I am done with it all, and I feel more free having just stated that.

With love, Patrice

 

Discipleship At Its Best

In Matthew 28:19, Jesus starts off by saying, “Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations…”  I am crying and filled with such an immense sense of joy as I type this because for once in my life, in a church setting no less, I can think of 3 beautiful men who are so dear to my heart who are doing just what Jesus said, for me.  These men, in no particular order include, Dennis Arroyo, Russ Painter and Gary Fishman.

These three prophet guys are so very special to me.  They have been my introduction into what Jesus modeled in leadership.  I can sit and just form a puddle of tears around myself thinking about them and what gifts they are to the Body of Christ and me in particular.  They have and continue to give me so much, even without always realizing it.  I really need to get it together, I can hardly see as I type at this point, I keep crying. 🙂

What I love is that none of these men claim, by any means, to know it all, to have perfect theology  or anything of the sort.  They are simply real, honest, pure and nothing short of astoundingly amazing men of God who truly have His heart for His creation.  They don’t try to be in or make spotlights or brands or names for themselves.  They push others to become what and who God has made them to be and they do it with love.  Russ gives you gentle but firm nudges.  Dennis is more than ready to step aside and pass a mic, and Gary, if there’s ever a bus you want to be thrown under, it’s one he’s a part of.  To say that I love them just feels so inadequate and minuscule, but I do, dearly love them all.

They are helping me to grow and learn and be more effective in the part of my walk with Christ that is to be in the “spotlight”.  I am more than happy to sit off to the side, in the background but it’s not the easiest thing to do when you have a gift to sing and speak.  One kind of has to be in the fore front for such things. 🙂 These guys help make that so much easier.

So, Lord, I declare lots of more over these beautiful men and their beautiful families.  More love, more joy, more peace, more strength, more growth, divine health, supernatural wealth, all above and beyond for them.  Go crazy, Abba, like only You can.  Lavish  them millions of times over with all that they selflessly give so many others.  And, let me see it happen, just so I can laugh, cry, and rejoice with them. Thank you so much Abba.  You are truly too much but at the same time, I can’t get enough of You!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Following Christ and Him Alone

I didn’t post anything last week because I was finding it a bit tough to make a whole lot of sense about what is going on inside of me these days.  Well actually, it makes perfect sense, it’s just, words escaped me and frankly, I was in no position to write coherently as I am almost always in a state of being ever so drunk on His love.

I have been feeling a bit differently  for several months now concerning some ideas and mindsets that I had about my Christian walk.  I couldn’t really put my finger on it initially but I just kept abiding in my Abba and as always, He has brought amazing clarity and revelation. Also, reading the book, The Mystical Union by John Crowder, speaking with a few friends who I consider no holds barred believers in the Word, and attending the Power and Love conference a few weeks ago just sealed the deal for me. I am forever changed.

I love how all I have to do is shift my thoughts to Him and boom, I am overtaken by Love Himself.

I love how I have but to focus on Him and allow Him to pour into me and He brings to light and fixes things I wasn’t even conscious of, let alone, looking to fix.  My focus is ever on Him.

I love the simplicity of His Word. In John 6:29 (NLT) it says, Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.” 1 John 2:6 NLT says Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.

I am finding that now, more than ever before, my focus is zoomed into Christ’s example.  If I am to be following His example, there are mindsets I have found that I need to let go of, mindsets that don’t exactly fit well with how He operated here on Earth.  I’m finding that the falling away of these old mindsets are producing an even greater sense of freedom in my life.  I truly feel like I am more than just a mere human being.  I’m not just here taking up space. I’m not locked into this constant struggle of I’m saved and going to Heaven but I have so many things I need to fix in order to receive all God has for me. I’m not striving or struggling to be who God created me to be, I am simply focused on Him and He is taking care of it all.

I am reading His word, not for information or to prove that I am correct (and someone else is wrong), but to know Him more intimately.  I am living in an ever growing state of revelation and awareness of who I am so that I can walk it out easily. I mean really, how hard is it to simply be who you are?  I am becoming love. I am believing in the One He sent and following Him and I am finding that His yoke is in fact easy, and His burden is light.  I am content to no longer allow my experiences or anything else I see, dictate where I place my trust/faith. My faith is in His finished work alone.  It is non-negotiable. I am choosing to follow Christ alone.