Changed Pain

Grieving can be a bit of a frightful ordeal, especially when you are in a position where almost you alone grieve loss of the person.

I was so afraid to face my loss that I opted to keep myself super busy so I had virtually no time to think about it, but of course, that’s easier said than done.

When an event I would normally be excited about came up, I did not want to go, not even a little bit, but I am now in the habit of telling myself that things are very different for me now. I have a new family who truly loves the Lord and really knows Him and I don’t have to feel the need to isolate myself and deal with things alone.  So, I went, and I am so glad I did.

At the event, two of my new family members prayed over me in a way that I couldn’t pray for myself.  It amazes me how, in the midst of my own stuff, I can come out of it to passionately pray for others but I cannot seem to do the same for myself.  Anyway, I told them how I really was, when they asked.  They held me in a way I had not been held before by anyone outside of my husband and prayed over me.  That was when the first change took place.  I realized in that moment that for the second time, I was experiencing something previously foreign to me, something that I’d never think to pray for.  I remembered in that moment, another loved one’s prophecy over me, “God is answering prayers you’ve not uttered.”, as she herself held me in a way that I’d not been held before.  To my surprise, I loved it and held on to her for dear life.  They prayed exactly what I would have prayed if I could have, I wanted God to help me to not fall apart that day.  I wanted to wait until it was just the two of us and I would pour out my heart to Him.  He answered that prayer.

I later joked about it saying that God “put a cork in my cry spout”, but as my spiritual father, Russ said, God doesn’t operate like that.  What He really did, was change my pain-again.  The sense around the loss is one of hope and peace, as with my beautiful sister Kerri, who left me with the gift of knowing exactly where she is and that I will never part from her again when we next meet.

The next day, Sunday, at a special service, I went up and led worship with the worship team.  I knew prophetically that things had changed and would change even more by the end of that service and it did.  See, I have been a bit shy about singing the song of the Lord (singing prophetically).  I thought I would have to be perfect and not get in the way and all these other religious ideas and wrong notions.  Anyway, at some point, Russ broke out, singing the song of the Lord.  He sang a line that came to him and I found myself at first echoing the line, supporting him. Then, the next thing I knew, everyone was following me as I floated up, up, up, singing whatever I was singing in my coloratura range.  I don’t recall what I was doing, I felt like I wasn’t even there, I was somewhere alone with my Abba.  I saw nothing, but I could faintly hear the worship team fully supporting me and I heard Russ laugh out loud, happy that I had finally done it.

Russ, had to later help me with this because something happened in that moment for me and I have trouble explaining it.  It was, as he helped make sense of it, as if something out of joint, was clicked into gear. Something was set aright, properly aligned- a big, heavy (though not burdensome) something.  I have been different ever since. How?  I don’t know but different, all the same, and I don’t take lightly, the growing numbers of mourning doves I am seeing, even as I type this, one is just outside my window.  Far from what their name suggests, they are a symbol of the Holy Spirit, hope and peace.  Because there are no coincidences in Christ, I latch on to the meaning of what they represent.

This week, after discovering that my oldest daughter was experiencing symptoms of grief, I decided to take off for the week.  We did no activities; and while I hate missing opportunities to pray for and prophecy over people, I know the Lord honors our taking time to just be and honor our sweet little one.  It was a good week.