Flashbacks

Flashbacks have been a very prominent part of my life since around July of last year. It seems that upon starting this whole recovery journey, a door has been opened that I wasn’t fully aware even existed.

It doesn’t feel like a thing of torment. It feels more like a journey of discovery and healing. With each flashback, I am now dealing with the feelings surrounding each memory. I’m no longer shoving it all aside, pretending it doesn’t exist, so that others feel comfortable.

It feels strange at times to do this when I have been taught to dismiss and ignore my feelings. In so many places, there’s a purveying message that says to leave the past in the past. Forget about the past and let it go, etc.

God is showing me though, that when your past hasn’t been effectively dealt with, it can continue to cause problems in your present and future. I feel very grateful that God didn’t allow me to stay where I was, as I know I would still be there.

Now, in addition to having flashbacks from childhood, I am having some regarding my husband’s recent hospital stay. Because I was on the go, taking care of things for my family, I didn’t have much time to process all that was happening, so I suppose, now is the time to do that.

I’m having to remember and employ the tools I’ve gained over the last year. I must put them to work for this part of my journey. I’m grateful that none of this has caught God off guard. He knew I’d be here at this moment. He planned and put everything in place for me to get through it all successfully. All I have to do is go to Him for wisdom and guidance. I don’t have to do this alone. That is such a relief.

Invitation In Between Blog Posts

It’s been a while since I have done a blog post but I’m still here, moving forward in this mind renewal process.

I seem to be in a constant state of revelation. I’m learning more about myself. I am finding so much that I was clueless about and other things that I ignored or denied because it was just easier to do what was expected of me in order to keep the peace (for others). It is intense at times but I am glad to be where I am and see things more clearly.

Most of my focus has been on my YouTube channel’s Recover Me! series.

Between recording and publishing videos, taking care of my mental and physical health, and caring for my family, I am pretty much ready for a nap.

I will definitely post as the mood strikes, but in the meantime, I invite you to catch me over on YouTube where I am sharing my journey through stories, laughter, tears and a little singing at times.

I’ve Not Disappeared, Well Maybe I Have

It’s been a very long time since I’ve written anything.  I’m writing now to simply say that I don’t really know what to say besides saying that I am on a very hard journey to healing childhood wounds.

I implore you, if you have any of your own, seek help.  It is unreasonable to think you can just go on and not pass on some or a lot of your own pain to someone you care for. Something I saw on Facebook from Christine Caine said it best, “If you never heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” This makes me angry, actually.  I find it difficult to fathom being so unaware of oneself, that one leaves a path of destruction in their wake, completely and utterly oblivious.  I especially have a hard time when it’s children who catch the brunt of that destruction.  It isn’t fair.  I am intent on ending abusive cycles.  The buck stops here.  What I find even more disturbing is the covert nature of it.  When it comes to people, I have an easier time taking those blatant, in your face types.  Covert behavior bugs me because there’s such an insidious nature to it. It’s so ugly and despicable. Also, when one displays covert tendencies, it makes me feel that they have more control than they’re willing to admit, being able to behave one way here and another way there.  I don’t handle that well.

So, I pray you are well while I’m going through all the emotions and what comes with healing.  It’s hard, but it’s great and so very necessary.  I am already a very different, healthier, more alert me than ever before. I am happier too, actually.  As I said, it’s difficult at times, but this is a good thing.  God is with me and I know it.  He started me on this journey, after all.  I will aim to write again soon.  With love, Patrice.

What’s On Your Plate?

It’s been a little while since I wrote last.  At least it feels that way.  I haven’t really known how to say what I want to say at times.  Other times, I simply haven’t had much to say, and I won’t write if I have nothing to say.

I am on a journey to greater awareness of myself.  I am learning what makes me tick.  I am learning what triggers me to emotions like anxiety, anger, fear, sadness and my favorite, happiness.  I am good some days, and some days I am not doing well at all, but, God is here, taking me along this path that I must travel in order to get to a place where I see myself not as my parents have taught me to see myself, but as He sees me. He knows me best and His view of me is what will ultimately help me to be the best Patrice I can be.

A group of friends and I do prophetic assignments together every now and then.  One assignment had us envision a plate on a table.  The plate was filled with many things and so was the table.  We were to ask the Lord what, if anything on our plates, should be removed, decreased or increased, and what on the table that perhaps wasn’t on our plate, should be added.  I got a one word answer and then a moving picture.  My answer to what needed to be removed from my plate was simply, “People”.  Then, I saw the Lord remove the people from my plate and He got on my plate, arms outstretched, smiling, until He filled my plate with Himself.  Then, as He filled my plate, I saw all kinds of things go back on my plate but through Him, because as I said, He covered the plate.

I don’t consider myself a people pleaser, but I do love people and am very much an empath who has no problem at all feeling compassion for others.  My issue is that I lack compassion for myself.  I very easily leave myself out of the equation and that must change.  I need balance.  One dear friend, Jackie, has been pretty much saying this for a few years now.  Mothering and nurturing others is a skill at which I am a natural.  I love it.  I am learning to turn some of that mothering and nurturing onto myself and see myself as worthy of the time, attention and care I so easily give others.

He is to be the lens through which I see and do everything. I believe wholeheartedly that He is all in all anyway.  Nothing is changing on His end with this.  It’s my perspective that’s changing.  My subjective reality is matching up with what is and always was, because of Christ’s finished work.  I am healed and whole and waking up to that realization more and more.

I encourage you to do the assignment my friends and I have done.  Ask the Lord.  What’s on your plate that needs to be removed, increased or decreased?  What’s on the table that isn’t on your plate at this time but should be added?  Take time to dialog with the Lord about this and journal what you get out of it.  I’d love to hear about it too.  This exercise started a very serious and deep look at my life, like how my past affects my present.  It has highlighted different traits about my personality, habits and more.  Do this for yourself and see what God does with it.  It could very well change your life as it has mine.  I love you dear reader, Patrice.

Father’s Day Ramblings

Sometimes, following God’s leading makes no logical sense to me, but, when I feel that familiar tug in a specific direction, I always go anyway.  The results of doing so, always ends up being nothing short of spectacular.

Back in December, I began to feel the Lord was leading me away from my commitment as one of the leaders in youth group.  I felt it was to take a more concerted effort to write. Of course it turned out to be more in the end. I cried profusely about it as I spoke with the youth pastor and another leader.  They laughed at me and assured me that all was well and that we are all still family.

Since then, God has been making sense of everything I have been feeling for a few years regarding my theology and what I was raised to believe about myself, Him and others.  Things are changing in the best way.

Recently, as I walked and talked with the Lord, I admitted to Him that I am feeling as if I am being pulled away from church (attendance).  I cry easily, and did so as I admitted aloud to Him that I don’t want to go to church anymore.  Learning what He is teaching me is making it hard to sit and hear the opposite.  Because He knows me better than I know myself, I asked Him why I don’t want to go anymore.  I feel it’s Him leading me away again.  Now please don’t read between any lines here.  This is my journey. I am simply telling my story.

I asked Him several very specific questions and asked Him to give me the answers in dreams because I couldn’t dismiss dreams.  Dreams just are, what they are, without my meddling and changing things around.  He answered every single question in spectacular fashion and in response to my question about not wanting to attend church any longer, He had a friend mention a book to me.  The books title is, So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore, by Jake Colsen.  I borrowed the audio version from my local library and devoured it in short order.  It explained my feelings exactly, even touching on house churches.  It answered my questions, and some I hadn’t considered, and, I gained a greater sense of peace.

In the meantime, I am enjoying meeting with other believers to simply hang out, eat and more.  I am learning a lot more about the people I love than I ever did attending church meetings with them.  There was never any real time to learn about them and their lives in that setting anyway.

Another thing that has been happening is that a group of friends and I have been asking God questions each day.  This started from a short clip of Shawn Bolz, teaching on hearing from God.  He said to ask the Lord something like, what you are here to do and what He likes about you.  On another day, my friends and I asked the Lord why we don’t always trust what He says and why we sometimes doubt Him.  On another day, we asked Him to show us where we are and where He wants to take us.  It has been wonderful getting answers and sharing them with one another.  I have done these exercises with my sisters and my children as well.  I encourage you to do it too.  We are doing it for 30 days.

In the midst of all this, Abba has been giving me specific instructions on how to go about reaching various goals I have set for myself.  We have been talking about hair, weightloss and more.  Talking hair with my Abba was an exciting and endearing first for me.  I am so enjoying these conversations with Him.

We also had an amazing thing happen a few days ago.  My children and I decided to go for a walk in a nearby park, after dinner one evening.  As we walked to the car, I noticed, but stepped over an envelope on the ground.  My oldest, who was behind me, is naturally more curious than me and she picked it up saying someone named Wayne lost his card.  I smiled and watched her open it.  My smile dropped when she pulled out cash and screamed, “WAYNE!!!!”  We all saw and started looking around frantically and screamed for a Wayne we didn’t know.  No one answered.  Everyone admitted feeling awful that someone had gone out of their way to thank Wayne and give him money and he’d lost the card.  We prayed about the situation and remarked at how bad we felt.  No one enjoys losing money.

When we got home, we read the card again, as it was dark outside when we first looked at it. There was a keyword- coach- Wayne is a coach in our area.  Long story short, my oldest was able to locate Wayne, and because it was a bit creepy, I called him the next morning.  We found him, well, she did, lol!  We met him later that next day at a nearby store and gave him his card and money.  What a load off!!  It turned out that the family giving him the card were the ones who lost it.  We thank God that we found it and was able to get it into the right hands.  God is so gracious and kind.

I will end this week’s post by saying Happy Father’s Day to all whom it applies.  We are eagerly waiting for our guy to get home from work so that we can dote on him.

The Happiest Father’s Day of all goes to our beloved Abba.  You are literally the best Father ever!!

God Is In The Details

It’s been a while since I last wrote.  I am now on the last bit of a 5-6 week long vacation with my children and this is the very first time I could really sit still and write.  I had such high hopes for working on books and this blog during this time, oh well…

I like how Ephesians 4:6 (among many other verses) debunks this idea of separation that seems to permeate the Church- the whole secular vs. sacred, etc…  The Mirror translation version of this verse reads, “There is only one God.  He remains the ultimate Father of the universe.  We are because He is. He is present in all; He is above all, through all and in all. This translation then references Acts 17: 24-28 which reads, “He is not far from each one of us; in Him we live and move and have our being. We are indeed His offspring.”

I love how God is literally present in all.  There’s no place left out of all.  Even in Psalm (139:8) it says, “If I make my bed in hell, behold, you are there.”

Sometimes, when I get prophetic words for people, I take for granted that God is all in the details.  Literally, I know nothing and couldn’t speak to people at all unless God gave me the words, but I suppose, what I mean is, it’s easy to think I am just being quirky, weird or not hearing properly.  Let me tell you a few stories from our vacation.

A few days ago, I had a hair appointment and I wasn’t feeling well.  I prayed that I wouldn’t be contagious and harm the woman doing my hair as I wasn’t aware of exactly what was going on.  I just knew I didn’t feel right.  After praying for her and myself, I got ready to leave and suddenly felt compelled to bring her some of the ginger ale I’d made for those of us who have a cough. Side note- I make a lot of my own things from scratch.  Typically, ginger ale in stores that aren’t holistic have absolutely no ginger in them at all, so I make my own. Check those ingredients!

As I put some ginger ale aside, I thought to myself and even said aloud to my daughter that I was being completely weird, bringing ginger ale that no one asked for, to a hair appointment.  When I got there, I asked her if she liked ginger ale.  She said yes and made another affirmative comment about ginger ale that I don’t remember. I told her that I’d brought her some that I’d made.  She was happy and said she would drink it right away.  I then over heard her telling another client about it as I went to hang up my coat.

A bit later, she came to me saying that another client brought her some (store bought) ginger ale as well.  That’s when I realized she wasn’t joking when she said she really liked it.  This is easy to dismiss, but think of it.  I’d prayed fervently for her, before my appointment.  I’d made ginger ale the day before, in order to help myself and other family members having issues and keep the ones with no issues from having any.  The Lord instructs me to share some with her, knowing I’m just weird enough to do it, and not only would it help protect her from my germs, but she loves the drink in general, and let me tell you, my ginger ale is most certainly superior to what you’d find in the store. 🙂 That’s God, all up in the details.  He is so sweet.

Then, let’s go right quick to Orlando, where I almost missed giving words to two beautiful young women.  I’d actually left, turned around and came back to speak to them.  I don’t remember all that I said.  I’m not sure I’d share even if I did really, but suffice it to say, the seemingly random word I gave one woman in particular was so poignant for her, that by the end of it all, she’d teared up and gave me a sweet hug.

In a different location in Orlando, again, what seemed random and inconsequential, meant everything to another young lady who told my daughter and I that what we spoke about was what she’d prayed about the night before.

There were others, too many to go into here in one blog post, but God was on the move, touching lives and hearts, and used little ole me and my daughter to do it.  How magnificent!!

All this to say, God is in everything.  He is so amazingly crafty in how He weaves one thing into another and makes us know that we aren’t alone.  He sees and cares for us deeply, more deeply than we can imagine.  I am enjoying this process of recapping various experiences with Him.  He is so good!

Sweet Happenings

I enjoy most types of prophetic activation. In truth, I haven’t done one that I didn’t enjoy, I just feel there may be one I am not particularly crazy about.

It is important to me that my children have a strong, solid foundation of not just knowing that God speaks, but that they actively hear from Him as well.

I want my children to have experiences with the Lord that will forever change and mold them. I want them to know Him in such a way that there is not a shadow of doubt in their minds that not only does He exist, but He speaks, to them.

Every now and then, we do different prophetic activations together. We will sit with and listen for what He is saying, together, and share what we heard, felt, seen, etc. It’s a lot of fun.

Lately, I have been working with them on watching people to see what they can hear, see or gather. I want them to be on their toes so that when the Lord wants them to give someone a word, they hear Him clearly. I want them to get accustomed as children, to be tuned in to Abba’s frequency.

It’s not always a thing of such dire circumstances, sometimes it’s as simple as an opportunity for some fun.

I recently had one such experience and my children were all in attendance so it was pretty perfect.

I love life stories. I love telling them and hearing them equally. My grandfather was a great story teller. I loved hearing his stories, new and old ones; it never mattered. I miss him and his stories so much and the Lord, knowing this, had a sweet surprise in store for me as I visited my favorite Trader Joe’s store recently.

While shopping, an older gentlemen who worked there spoke to us. We spoke and kept shopping. When we were ready to pay, we ended up being in a line where he was the one to check us out.

He smiled and said, “It’s you again!” We laughed and before even thinking, I heard myself blurt out, “You seem to be one with the ability to tell wonderful stories. I wish we could put a couch in the middle of the store and just sit and listen to you.” He smiled and said, “I have been known to tell a tale or two.” I smiled and thought of my grandfather and felt all gooey inside imagining this mans stories when suddenly, as he checked out our items, he said, “Here’s a quick one for you… There once was an old saloon…” I stood, captivated and completely delighted as this man told my children and I a funny tale.

I take these instances as ways God chooses to play with me, be sweet to me and give me what He knows I miss or long for. I can’t wait to see that man again. I plan to tell him how much he blessed me and my children. It all happened because I spoke on a prophetic inkling I got while speaking to him.

I look forward to more opportunities like this with my Abba, He is so sweet.

Be on the lookout for nice experiences like this and more. I know I’m not the only one Abba is blessing in this way, and, if you have a moment, write me and tell me about it. I love stories!