responsibility

Who Is Responsible For My Wounds?

~ Patrice A London ~ 3 Comments

We live in an unjust world. We live in a world where people, for whatever reason, can do us wrong, wreak havoc in our lives on many layers, and simply walk away without ever taking any responsibility at all, never making any attempt to make amends or right the wrong(s).

I believe, a very difficult truth to stomach, is that our wounds are our responsibility. Recovery from any wounds is never easy, although some wounds are easier to recover from than others, but if we wait around for the offender(s) to make things right for us we may very well wait until we die, all while we sit, feeling justified and angry or pretending our wounds don’t exist.

Some of us actually allow ourselves to get comfortable in our pain, preferring the position of victimization, taking it on as an identity of sorts, nursing and in some cases, deepening our own wounds without any further help from the original offender(s). We can make things worse for ourselves and be completely deceived all the while.

I believe this isn’t necessary. Jesus said he came that we might have life and have it more abundantly. It was for freedom that he has made us free but we have a choice in the matter. At every turn, we have free will. We can decide to just stay enraged, hurt and grow more and more bitter, or we can take him at his word, move into experiencing all he paid for on the cross, and actually be healed.

The path to healing is not linear, easy or fun, but it is far better than remaining stagnant, steeped in anger, fear, frustration, and confusion, all while trying to make someone else take responsibility and make things right for us.

I am not saying we should be an open door, allowing any and everything to come our way without us seeking to protect ourselves. That should be common sense. Most of us, when we come home for the day or before going to bed at night, lock our doors. Boundaries are necessary. We must guard our hearts in the same way or we will slowly allow what the enemy has sent our way, to utterly destroy us.

I don’t say any of this from any sort of rosy position. I say this as one with experiences, many times over, where I have been mistreated without any sort of recompense.

I say this as the 14 year old girl, whose mother decided to leave her and her 9 year old cousin home alone overnight while she went to on a trip to a casino and rape occurred when we allowed neighborhood friends over that evening after school.

I say this as the one whose rapist told many that “He had her”, never making any sort of amends ever, even up until he died.

I say this as the girl whose mother, when she learned of the rape, said, “I thought about whether I may be responsible for that happening to you, but I decided I’m not. I deserved to get away.”

I say it as the Black woman who has been the token in several workplaces, knew it, and has personally experienced racism and discrimination.

I say this as the woman who, with God’s leading has decided to stand up and say, “No more!” to years of abuse, betrayal and more from the very person who should have protected me, loved me and cared for me, all while my character is being tarnished to all who will listen behind my back because I have stepped out of my “proper” place.

Of the few who dared approach me upfront, only one has asked me why I backed away. The others who approached me came to try and convince me to fix what I did not break. I feel they came to me because they know I am the safer one to speak to in such a manner. Others just talk about me behind my back, believing whatever is being said about me.

There is no responsibility being taken. There are no apologies, no changed behavior. Nothing. So who will fix this? Who will fix me? Should I go around enraged, unloading my anger on any and every one who hits one of my many raw nerve endings I possess and sometimes nurse as dear friends? Should I wait for the day they will see their errors and seek repentance? Would that fix me? Would it make me brand new if they did? Who will fix it all for me? Who will take responsibility for me?

I won’t go to my offenders for help in repairing my wounds. It doesn’t work. They are massively wounded themselves to even have the self-awareness necessary to even glance my way, and I know this like I know my name. I choose to take responsibility for my own wounds, face what is, and go to The Great Physician. I won’t go to people to do for me what I know, only God can do for me. I take full responsibility for my wounds. My position, my confession, and my declaration over my life is that with God’s help and by Jesus’ stripes, I AM HEALED.

Owning My Stories

~ Patrice A London ~ Leave a comment

Anne Lamott says we own everything that happens to us and that we should tell our stories. This brings up fear, sadness, false shame, false guilt and anger for me.

I don’t enjoy causing anyone pain, whether it be directly or indirectly. I have gone out of my way to not say things, or to say them only when absolutely necessary, with such meticulous calculation, that I can cause the least amount of pain possible. I see now that this is another layer of codependence. This is another way I take on responsibilities that are not my own, and frankly, I want to be done with this harmful practice. It serves no one, not even the ones who think they would fare better with my silence and enabling.

When I was ordained 3 years ago, I didn’t want to tell anyone. I remember low-key begging my mother to keep quiet about it and of course she didn’t. Anything I didn’t want shared, should not have been discussed with her, lol because it would always be as good as broadcasted before anyone who would listen. It took far too long for me to understand this. I think part of the reason I felt unofficial was because I didn’t feel I had a clear understanding of my purpose.

I now understand my ultimate purpose is to love and be loved by Him. From there, I have gifts and things to share, all from a place of overflowing love from my Abba. These are things I get to do, not absolutely have to do. There’s no ball and chain that comes along with this deal. There is freedom, peace, love, joy, and when the trials of life come, there’s my Abba, walking me through it all. We do it all together.

I am naturally, an open person. I don’t like superficial conversations and small talk. That is draining to me over time. If you look at my very first blog post, I’m sure there was a level of vulnerability there because it’s just who and how I am. I make no apologies for that, but now, things are different. God has shown me areas of my life that I need to face full on. Things I need to accept and deal with, and in doing so, I need to speak and share openly.

It hurts. The last thing I want to do is cause others to feel uncomfortable, but my sharing my story is just that- me sharing my story. I am not responsible for others’ feelings or actions beyond that.

Anne Lomott’s quote says, “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

God is giving me greater clarity on my ministry, and in order to do it, I must have room to speak openly. I will do my best to be sensitive to others, but I will not shy away from where God leads. I said earlier, that beyond loving and being loved by God, I get to do other things. I refuse to live a mundane existence where I cower in fear of man or woman. When it comes to my life, I want Jesus to get what he so dearly paid for because I love him. I love him more than I fear you. There’s more to come, dear reader.

Triggers, Triggers Everywhere

~ Patrice A London ~ Leave a comment

“Trigger” is a word I have had to come to grips with and just get used to. Just a short time ago, the word grated on my nerves. The word itself would illicit an eye roll that started way back in my head somewhere.

So many are “triggered” so often. I thank God for the truth taught in a book I read years ago called, The Four Agreements. It isn’t a Christian book (((gasp))) but God’s wisdom is littered throughout it. I mean, the Bible does say He is all in all so… Anyway, that book helped me in enormous ways because I am a highly sensitive person. It helped me to not take everything someone else says or does to heart and as a personal affront to the entirety of my person hood.

I read an article on a friend’s page entitled Don’t Tell Me God is Good and commiserated with the author. I commented to my friend that the post reminded me of the time I cried and screamed in anger towards God because I’d lost another baby. I have lost 7 total, but 5 happened within 9 months and I was really a mess. After yelling at Him and crying, I clearly felt His presence. It was as if He got down to my level and I heard Him say, “I’m Sorry”. That floored me and helped heal me in many ways. It also brought our relationship to a greater level of intimacy.

What that post brought to mind though was triggers. As I read it, I felt the author has more healing to experience in the area mentioned in the post. Don’t we all have areas we still have yet to experience healing in? When things trigger us, it points out a sore spot in us that is in need of healing, but instead of looking to God for freedom in that area, we often want others to change. Look at how many words we are being told we shouldn’t use today because it may trigger someone. People are confronted with attempted censorship every day on social media and in real life.

There’s a massive call to remove all words that could be possible triggers and nothing is being done to aid a person in healing from those triggers that are to me, very obviously their problem. It’s a call for you to stop triggering me so I can be comfortable and ignore my responsibility to obtain healing for my issues and traumas. This reminds me of another good post I read entitled, Trauma Is Not Your Fault, But Healing Is Your Responsibility.

I suppose what I am asking is that we take a moment when triggered and consider what lies we may be believing in that moment. What are we telling ourselves? Asking others to stop saying what triggers us is handing our responsibility over. It’s akin to asking someone else to fix you. Only God can and has done that. We need help to walk in the freedom that was so preciously paid for. We need healing.

By the way, a huge trigger for me that seems to bother me to no end is whispering. If someone speaks to me in a way that is barely audible, with just the right intention (perceived by me) behind it, oh my word, it does something to my insides and infuriates me to no end. I need healing, Lord.

Responsibility

~ Patrice A London ~ Leave a comment

I think of random things. I remember a former friend projecting her words or feelings on me. We were in a disagreement and she said something about me saying I am grown. I hadn’t said that and certainly didn’t feel it.


Actually, I am just getting to a point where I feel like I am a grown woman. I was always responsible. Actually, I was taking responsibility for far more than was rightfully mine. I now understand that I am not responsible for so much of what I thought I should be responsible for, like another’s feelings, behavior, and needs. I thought I was here to take care of those things for others. I thought it was selfish to consider that perhaps I had needs and feelings that I should pay attention to. I thought I was here to make and keep others happy with me and somehow, magically, what I needed and wanted would be tended to.

What a load of crap, not to mention, impossible task, lol!

I can laugh today as I consider things several people, (most of whom are no longer in my life,) said to me, about me, all while very clearly exhibiting blaring examples of their feelings of jealousy and ill will towards me. Yet, I listened and took their “moral inventory” of me to heart.

Where I should have sang, or mentioned that I sing, I was quiet, for fear of being seen as a show off.

Where I should have danced freely and enjoyed myself, I sat, for fear of embarrassing myself because “I had no rhythm, just like my father.”

Where I should have enjoyed doing my 3 daughters hair, I didn’t and thought of it as a chore because, “I braided the wrong way.” I thought I’d make them look stupid.

Where I should have shared stories freely, taking my time, flowing where God led me, I didn’t, for fear of “not getting to the point fast enough.” I didn’t want to bore people.

Where I should have spoken up about my feelings, I shrank back, and criticized myself because my feelings were “wrong and I was being mean.” I was told I am too sensitive.

Where I should have shared my experiences, I kept quiet for fear of making some angry or uncomfortable. After all, I thought it was my responsibility to make and keep people happy with me. I thought I should tow the line, even if it was hurting me (and others).

I’m so happy God didn’t allow me to keep believing these things. I’m so glad He is showing me who’s who in my life, past and present. He’s showing me how to set boundaries and let that show me who’s who. Boundary setting seems to be a problem for toxic people. Today, that former friend would be right. I’m grown and I know it now. I understand more than ever before what and who I am responsible for and for that, I am grateful.

Natural Disasters: Acts of God?

~ Patrice A London ~ 1 Comment

In the midst of Florida’s hurricane watch, I saw someone post something on Facebook that mentioned how the “old folks” used to say, referring to hurricanes or other natural disasters, “Go sit down somewhere while the Lord does His work.”  I believe in respecting one’s elders but to put it nicely, that sounds off.

All my life, the catch phrase regarding God has been summed up to two phrases that I will never forget and I actually agree with them- “God is love” and, “God is good all the time (And all the time, God is good)”.  Now, when Love and Goodness starts sending natural disasters that literally destroy everything in their wake and kills people, in my mind at least, we have a problem.

There’s a mixed message that is prevalent in the Church… God is love. He is good and He loves you but make a wrong move and He will destroy you or someone you love.  One can scarcely attend a funeral where Job’s phrase isn’t mentioned as if it is the gospel truth- “The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.”  Sounds just like something an adult would do to a child to punish them.  Or a false friend who gives you something and takes it back.  We had a name for people like that who would give you something and then turn back around and take it away, and it wasn’t a good one.  This is some of what we’ve pinned onto God without a thought to what Scripture says.

In John 5:19, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself. He does only what he sees the father doing.Whatever the Father does, the son also does.”  Jesus literally modeled the Father.  I have read what is considered the gospels many times in my life and while I don’t claim to know everything, I don’t recall ever seeing Jesus model anything akin to sending a natural disaster to destroy people, nor did he ever give someone something and take it away. Can you imagine Jesus, “Lazarus, come forth!!  Haha, just kidding, go die again now!” or, “You are healed, haha, now you’re not!”

In fact, Jesus told us in John 10:10 that it was the thief, referring to the enemy, who comes to steal, kill and destroy.  Jesus said that he came that we might have life and life more abundantly.  How exactly does sending natural disasters and taking gifts or people from people, fit in with that?  What kind of God do people really believe in?  If I thought God took 3 of my siblings, my father, my grandparents or anything else in my life, just for kicks, just because He is sovereign and can do what he wants, why would I want to serve Him?  That sounds creepy, scary and sadistic.  Why do we totally dismiss that we have an enemy whose primary focus is to do the exact things that we all too often attribute to God?

Job did in fact say that the Lord gives and He takes away but one has to look at the context in which he said this.  This was a man in the deepest moment of despair in his life.  Just because he felt that way and said that, does not make it true.  Earlier in Job, what went down was actually explained, it was the enemy who did it all, not God, and, in the end, God restored Job beyond what he’d had before.  I’m sure, the day Job reached Heaven and was reunited with all of his children, he didn’t feel they were taken away or lost any longer.

Another thing that is curious in all this “Act of God” talk, is in remembering how the Pharisees said Jesus was healing people with the power of the enemy and Jesus responded by saying that a house divided against itself cannot stand.  If the enemy made them sick or killed them, why would he turn around and make them well and raise them from the dead?  Makes absolutely no sense at all.  In fact, at least twice, we read about storms that were akin to natural disasters, wreaking havoc and Jesus calmed them.  Here’s the thing.  He said we are to do what He did and greater, and again, when the seas raged, about to kill people, He calmed them. He didn’t send them, he stopped them.  The way I see it, believers have a responsibility here that in some circles, is being totally dismissed.  Instead of making up slogans about how these disasters are acts of God in judgement of a nation gone awry, how about we do what Jesus did and greater?  What about that part?  Let’s speak to these “storms” and tell them where to go.  Let’s learn who we truly are and take hold of the authority given us by our Heavenly Father, through Jesus’ sacrifice and do something about it instead of sitting back, blaming God for something He didn’t do.  Let’s model Jesus as we were called to.