Building Strong Children

I am going through something that I honestly don’t feel as free to discuss as I’d like to.  This fact makes me very angry.  The problem is, I am unfamiliar with exactly what to do with my anger, as I never felt able to express it in a productive manner.

Something happened that made me cry.  My 4 year old son started to cry in anger because it was time for him to get ready for bed and he wanted to keep playing a game.  Most parents (that I know), when faced with their child’s anger, seek to shut it down immediately.  There is no room for a child to even learn to express their anger or process it in a productive way.  Perhaps this is why there’s so much rage just beneath the surface with so many adults- they weren’t allowed to express  and work through their feelings as children.

I hate how boys aren’t “supposed” to cry.  What are they supposed to do with their feelings, then? I hate how anyone who cries and makes others feel uncomfortable must stop, suck it up, shake it off, or get over it.  That is stupid and I am tired of it.

I don’t know how, but I believe God will help me to help my son learn to manage his feelings appropriately.  I will not shut him down.  I won’t make his moods or behavior about me and take it personally.  I will help him as best I can and I will do my best to protect him from other adults who have faulty thinking in this area and are broken themselves.  I will not allow someone else’s insecurities and inabilities to break my son.  When he needs to cry like he did today, I will do my best to be available to help him through it in anyway I can.  I will hold him as long as he lets me and talk things through with him as best I can.  I will remember that he is, after all, a little boy (of 4) right now.  He is learning and growing.  I want to help him along. Lord help me to do this right.  We don’t need anymore broken men.

As Frederick Douglass said, “It’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Let’s build strong children.

 

Grace to Enjoy, Grace to Endure

You don’t have any idea how much you can endure in life or what you are capable of accomplishing when you have an intimate relationship with God. Like Graham Cooke said, we have grace available to us each day- grace to enjoy what is happening and grace to endure what is happening.

I have done things this weekend with such a strength that I *know* there is no way I can take even a gram of credit for it. I simply made a decision, and my Abba totally carried me, then, my family by blood and The Blood, my tribe, people I can’t imagine living without, came alongside Him and carried me too. I am broken and fulfilled. Heart broken but so happy. I cry the heart-wrenching tears of a mother of many but I belly laugh and mean it with all my heart.

I have lost yet another baby this weekend.  It’s like I am filling Heaven with children.  This weekend was the weekend of what has become a favorite for me- the prophetic retreat.  I was charged with leading worship on Friday night with my oldest daughter and my spiritual father Russ.  I was also given the opportunity to lead a workshop.  Pastor Gary called me saying God showed him a vision of me leading a workshop on prophetic parenting.  What was hilarious was that he also said that he had no idea what that entailed, lol, so it was like, “This is what God showed me.  I have no insight for you on this. Are you in?” Without hesitation, I was so in.  🙂

I am growing to love these moments.  When God nudges me to do something I don’t know how to do or can’t do in my own strength, I simply yield to Holy Spirit, trust and move forward and amazing things happen.  After realizing I was losing my baby, I was of course told that I didn’t have to do anything I wasn’t able to do but with God to lean on, I did it!!  Philippians 4:13 means more to me now than ever before.

I cannot cry and sing, but with God’s strength holding me up, I was able to move forward and worship Him in the midst of my pain, physically and emotionally.  In the beginning, I simply swayed to the music to ease the lower back pain that comes with what I call the mini labor of miscarriage.  As I sang to my Abba, I felt like I was caught up in a swirl of color and love.  There was so much peace there.  The pain of my mini labor vanished in that moment and it was just me and Him. Bliss.

Then, I was able to do it again the next day.  We led worship and it was amazing.  I was able to sing prophetically over everyone and although I have no idea what I said other than remembering singing the word “abide”,  it is an amazing testament to what God can do when we simply yield to Him.  He takes care of it all.  In one moment, I sang strongly and prophetically over the crowd and in the next, I sat on Mama Robin’s lap, as she held me in her arms and I released what I hadn’t yet been able to.  I cried and sobbed and was probably super loud but I did not and do not care.  For me, this is huge.  It was a breakthrough moment that was so important and necessary.

Then I went on to lead two workshops on prophetic parenting.  That too was good.  Again, something that I didn’t know how to do, was done beautifully, with God’s help.When we come to the end of ourselves, He is just getting started. Brokenness is a good place to be in with Him.  A great place.  It’s where the best yielding and trusting can take place.  It’s the place of miracles.  It’s where the supernatural abounds.

Then,  the retreat was over.  I purposefully left without saying goodbye to anyone as I knew I would breakdown and cry.  I just lingered a bit and then left.  We stopped at a store on the way home and while in line, I looked at a young mother and God began to speak to me about her.  She was overwhelmed at times and not sure she was up to the task ahead of her.  She was with her mother in law, infant son and husband.  I looked for a way to speak with her privately and then laughed and said to my Abba, “Look at me, Abba.  I’m still hesitating aren’t I?”  He said nothing.  I said, “Ok, I’m gonna do it, you know I will.  I just don’t know how to do this.  How do I do this?”  He said, “You put one foot in front of the other…”  I laughed out loud and did it.

 

Grateful

I am grateful and hurting. Happy and a little bit angry. I feel loved and a bit isolated. And, I feel dizzy, and nauseated and sleepy, but mostly grateful.

Someone in my family had twins today. I asked what kind- boys. I said, “That’s nice. I have twins too. The dead kind.” Eventually, I shed some tears as my husband held me and snored in my ear.

Then I looked on Facebook and someone I love posted lyrics to a song that talks about surrendering all to Him, withholding nothing.

I love that. I am so grateful to have a God who cares about me so much, who loves me so deeply and understands me so completely. I can be totally honest, raw and uncut with Him and He can take it. I can ask questions even the hard ones, especially the hard ones and He doesn’t get angry with me or try to make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do. He just loves me right where I am.

I am grateful that He has done something in me where the pain of loss is greatly lessened. I don’t understand what He has done or how nor do I really care. I just know I am not experiencing what I have in the past, what I could be experiencing right now.

The pain I feel now, I know it could be worse. I noticed it first with the passing of my sister, who is also one of my dearest friends. She passed on my birthday this year. I have experienced mourning in a very different way. God has truly “changed my pain” as we sang at her funeral.

This makes me feel so loved, so cared for by God. As I lay here recuperating from a significant amount of blood loss, dizzy, tired and a bit nauseated… I am thankful.

I’m thankful to be able to say aloud, any feelings I am experiencing about anything, about everything, especially concerning the children I won’t get to raise on this side of Heaven all the while rejoicing because when I see them, we will never part again.

I can rant about how unfair it is, all while referencing atrocities like abortion. I can cry to Him when so and so has her baby or babies or my other friend shares pictures of her beautiful twins or my other friend announces the sex of her twins. He understands that I am both happy for them and sad for me as well. He gets that.

What’s more is that He is with me when I decide to be brave and not only go out, but go out intending to serve His creation. He knows I love operating in the gifts He gave me, so right as I am bleeding, knowing that I am losing the second baby, but seeking to serve, He meets me and shows up in a way that only He can.

When I can only envision myself as a puddle on the floor, He gives me an unfathomable strength to prophesy through song… A song that has never been sung before and will never be sung again in quite the same way. How amazing! How awesome is He?

To leave my home where I literally cook for everyone else and forget to make something for myself because I don’t eat meat. Where I can be seen walking around with two right slippers, feeling at times as if I am coming completely undone, hanging on by a thread, but He cradles me, whispers sweet everythings into my spirit. Then He gives me the strength to keep going and still touch the lives of His people in a mighty way. Nobody but God Almighty does this!

So, even while experiencing the hurt, dizziness, sleepiness and all that comes with this type of loss, I feel so encapsulated in love. So protected, so strong, because in my weakness, He pours upon me His strength and it’s more than enough to get me through this… And for that, I am grateful.