trauma

The Singer Who Rarely Listens to Music

~ Patrice A London ~ 1 Comment

You know how music makes you feel things? I rarely listen to music because I don’t like to feel things. Most songs from my childhood end up having me in a state of grief. I know this isn’t a bad thing. I need to grieve what I once thought I had but never did and likely, never will. There are times that I feel led to play music that I know will lead me to grieve a bit. When I feel that nudge, I do it. Otherwise, I avoid music altogether.

The other day, someone in the house played El DeBarge’s “Love Me In A Special Way”. I sat in the kitchen and just cried uncontrollably. I remembered myself as a very little girl, singing that, not knowing what I was singing but doing so with all my heart because singing is one of my gifts and I used to love to sing.

I just felt led by the Lord to look at the lyrics because I woke up this morning with that song playing in my head. I didn’t really know the words, but part of the lyrics struck me as I read them this morning…

“Love me in a special way
What more can I say 
Love me now
Love me in a special way
What more can I say 
Love me now (love me now)

‘Cause I’m special
Not the average kind 
Who’d accept any line
That sounds good
So reach into your chain of thoughts
Try to find something new
Because what worked for you so well before
For me it just won’t do.

Love me in a special way
What more can I say 
Love me now
Love me in a special way
What more can I say 
Love me now (love me now)”

I am beginning to feel differently now, more authentic, more un-apologetically me. Manipulation tactics that worked on me before, just don’t any longer. Not because I didn’t catch them before, I caught them, I just ignored them and pushed through because I thought I was here to make others happy and comfortable. I thought I was here to take care of people and leave my own needs for some other loving soul to hopefully, prayerfully see, take pity on me, and take care of them for me. Now that I know I am responsible for taking care of my needs, not others’, I refuse to continue to let myself down.

There’s still a little girl inside of me. She is incredibly wounded and afraid. I have carried her with me all my life, yet, I have ignored her needs and wishes, in order to favor others. She couldn’t depend on anyone to meet her emotional needs. Sure, she was dressed nicely. She was fed, but she was also starving for real and unconditional love.

She needed care that just wasn’t offered. She was psychologically and emotionally beat down behind closed doors. She was lonely, and lived in survival mode, because back then, she had to. Not anymore. Now I get to care for this gem of a girl. I get to love her unconditionally. I get to accept her tears, her fears, her grief, her anger, and not just her love, her generosity and care because it feels better and suits me.

I accept her wholly. Little by little, I am gaining her trust, and whatever she does in my chest that makes it feel so uncomfortably tight, whatever she is doing that makes me feel like I am struggling to breathe at times, is lessening as I remember how to care for her.

That little girl will no longer need to sing those lyrics from a state of grief and desperation. If she sings it at all, she will sing it for the love of singing, because she has a beautiful voice. You should just hear her.

Flashbacks

~ Patrice A London ~ Leave a comment

Flashbacks have been a very prominent part of my life since around July of last year. It seems that upon starting this whole recovery journey, a door has been opened that I wasn’t fully aware even existed.

It doesn’t feel like a thing of torment. It feels more like a journey of discovery and healing. With each flashback, I am now dealing with the feelings surrounding each memory. I’m no longer shoving it all aside, pretending it doesn’t exist, so that others feel comfortable.

It feels strange at times to do this when I have been taught to dismiss and ignore my feelings. In so many places, there’s a purveying message that says to leave the past in the past. Forget about the past and let it go, etc.

God is showing me though, that when your past hasn’t been effectively dealt with, it can continue to cause problems in your present and future. I feel very grateful that God didn’t allow me to stay where I was, as I know I would still be there.

Now, in addition to having flashbacks from childhood, I am having some regarding my husband’s recent hospital stay. Because I was on the go, taking care of things for my family, I didn’t have much time to process all that was happening, so I suppose, now is the time to do that.

I’m having to remember and employ the tools I’ve gained over the last year. I must put them to work for this part of my journey. I’m grateful that none of this has caught God off guard. He knew I’d be here at this moment. He planned and put everything in place for me to get through it all successfully. All I have to do is go to Him for wisdom and guidance. I don’t have to do this alone. That is such a relief.

Invitation In Between Blog Posts

~ Patrice A London ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a while since I have done a blog post but I’m still here, moving forward in this mind renewal process.

I seem to be in a constant state of revelation. I’m learning more about myself. I am finding so much that I was clueless about and other things that I ignored or denied because it was just easier to do what was expected of me in order to keep the peace (for others). It is intense at times but I am glad to be where I am and see things more clearly.

Most of my focus has been on my YouTube channel’s Recover Me! series.

Between recording and publishing videos, taking care of my mental and physical health, and caring for my family, I am pretty much ready for a nap.

I will definitely post as the mood strikes, but in the meantime, I invite you to catch me over on YouTube where I am sharing my journey through stories, laughter, tears and a little singing at times.

Running From Reality

~ Patrice A London ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes, I just don’t want to deal with reality.  I don’t want to face facts.  I don’t want to face the truth of a matter.  I just want to keep it down and carry on as usual.  I want to be happy and come out of myself and help others. The problem is, that happiness wears off after a while.  It doesn’t last a lifetime, it’s fleeting. I don’t want to be sad or angry.  I don’t want to dwell on what I can’t change, but, just under the surface, I am ready to explode.

I want to curse, scream, cry, vomit and stomp.  I want to destroy something, smash something into tiny indistinguishable bits.  I want to know why, I want to know how, because therein lies my pain.

What I am running from is catching up to me and it’s making me angry.  Lord, please just let me outrun it for a few more days, then I’ll deal with it…  I don’t know how long I can keep running.  I just don’t want to face this right now.

On Monday, I found that I was starting the process of miscarrying a child I didn’t yet realize I was carrying.  What I thought was the start of a normal cycle began to change when I realized something was off and then, my body began to expel the remains of my unborn child.

So many thoughts run through my head that make me angry, unspoken thoughts, some of which, aren’t even my own.  Thoughts of mainstream society, people closest to me and others who don’t know me very well at all.  I can only pray no one utters those thoughts aloud.  Lord, please seal their lips and block my gift so I don’t discern thoughts not uttered.

I don’t want to talk about it unless I bring it up, yet I *hate* the idea of people who know, pretending like it hasn’t happened and going on and on talking about their lives.  We are missing somebody!! I just want to hide away in a hole somewhere and come out when all’s well again.

The shock is beginning to wear off.  I don’t want to do this. Not now. I only hope it doesn’t go as badly as the last time.