Write More? Maybe

My 3 girls either write and/or draw every day. Watching their progress, and hearing about how this experience is going for them is making me want to write more too. I often feel I don’t have much to say, but I realize it doesn’t have to be some enormous epiphany that I write about, although these days seem to be filled with them. I am also noticing a trend lately. When I speak with friends and think I’m just chatting about things everyone knows about and that’s not the case. Those are things I could write about too. I also need to let go of an idea of needing to write a certain length of a blog post. I have all these “rules” in my head and am now realizing they are just stupid.

One epiphany that has come around again for me is how deeply entrenched I am in not being very comfortable with being on the receiving end. I can handle it easier if there’s a way for me to pay it back in time or even if I have given ahead of time, I can deal with that a little bit better. Receiving in a manner where it is appropriate to just receive, without any reciprocation needed, is very hard for me, especially if it is something that involves a process. The more time passes where I am on the receiving end, not giving at all (because it isn’t the time for giving or perhaps inappropriate), I feel more and more uncomfortable. I feel I am at a time in my life where God is working on this with me.

Another thing that comes to mind as a reason to not write so often is that I am perhaps afraid of sharing more of myself for fear of rejection or abandonment. I am naturally a more open and authentic person. I don’t care much for superficial conversations or relationships. I don’t like to make time for such things. But, I am at a time in my life where I am ready to be fully me, fully present, with no apologies. Anyone who leaves, great, I didn’t have to give them the boot, they can weed themselves out. This is how I am choosing to look at it.

All this to say, maybe I will write more often and share more of my life and what’s on my heart. We’ll see.

A Father’s Love

My husband is the one who brought into my life, the practice of being held.  Just being held close to the heart of another, for an extended period of time, just because.  During a time, early on in our relationship, when I thought he would be angry with me and reject me, I began to cry and his response was to drop everything and just hold me.  Words can’t describe what that did for, to and in me.  What was once foreign became something so dear, something I now cherish.  I love being in his arms.

Over the weekend, my family and I attended a prophetic retreat.  It was an amazing experience.  Very healing, exciting and transforming.  So much happened.  One of my favorite moments was during a workshop called Poetic Expressions.  We were given time to sit quietly, asking something of the Lord or just allowing Him to speak to us and write out what we got.

After writing, we each had to read what we wrote to the class.  It was kind of alarming at first but it turned out to be quite wonderful.  Then, we had to choose a partner and trade what we wrote with them and read what the other person wrote.  Now that was amazing.  The first piece was written by my friend Evelin.  A guy read it and man, I fought tears as he read her piece because it took on a whole other personality and meaning.  It was so beautiful and touching.  I was floored.  We went around the room and then, just before the last one was to be read, Tomas announced that the Lord had instructed him to hold me in his arms as he read mine.  So imagine, two virtual strangers, embracing as father and daughter as he read what I wrote:

You are Mine, you were always Mine and you will always be Mine.  Dive deeply into the well that is My love.  Let Me dissolve all of your hurts, your cares, let Me love them all away.

Let my love become an all consuming fire for you.  Come up higher and see as I see. I have equipped you for this.  You are to be a carrier of My love, My very presence.  You are to release Me over a hurting and dying people, but first, you must let My love consume all of your pain.  More and more, I will reveal areas where you have not yet let Me in.  You are safe with Me.  Let Me in and see what I will do.  I want to take you from glory to glory.  You’re amazed now, you’ve seen nothing yet.  Come up higher.  Rest in Me.  There’s more for you to discover, so much more.

I just held on for dear life, fully accepting and returning this engulfing love. I listened carefully not just to the cadence of Tomas’ voice, but his very heartbeat, and I cried.  I was as in the arms of my Abba and I loved it. He wanted nothing from me but to just love me.  It was something I will never forget.  I will always cherish that moment.

Then, just so I wouldn’t miss what God was trying to get through to me, I received something special on Sunday as well.  We did a prophetic activation that included picking a person you didn’t know, then picking the first thing you thought of from your purse or pocket, and using it to prophecy over the person you chose.  My partner had a hairbrush.  She saw the Lord brushing my hair, nurturing me, loving on me as a father loves on his daughter.  What she said means so much to me.  This is not about feeling sorry for myself.  It’s not a thing of wanting pity for what I missed, it’s about giving God glory for His redemption.  What I once missed out on, is now being supplied in abundance through many, and it has been this way the last several years.  I am so grateful for my Father’s love.  There’s nothing better.